Weeks 19 & 20 and Changing my Relationship with Food

I’ve been having a hard time writing my blog this week, as I’m struggling with the words I’m trying to say.

I went on vacation for Week 19, and overall, it was great. I mostly stayed on track, but definitely didn’t eat enough vegetables. It’s always the vegetables that slip me up, every stinking time. But, vacation was good, it was relaxing and restful, and it gave me some time to think and reflect.

When I told everyone that I was going on vacation, almost every person told me to just take the week off from my plan. To eat whatever I wanted and to just enjoy myself without worrying about food. It sounded like a good plan, and I almost considered it. BUT … I SO don’t want to go there.

I want to get to a place where food isn’t about rewards and punishments. I don’t want my week to be defined by a cheat day. Or special days. Or vacations.

My entire life has been about counting calories or completely ignoring them. It’s been feast or famine. It’s been eating when no ones watching or hiding empty package and wrappers. It’s been diet after diet, pills and programs, and all sorts of craziness.  It’s been a life controlled by bad habits and backwards thinking, and I’m over it.

I just want to get to the place where food is food and nothing more.

My goal in starting this journey has always been about feeling better. Part of feeling better is getting my brain healthier and happier and not so bogged down by all of these crappy and messed up thoughts about food. I need to be aware of what I’m thinking, but food needs to stop being the currency that I use in my daily life.

I’m looking forward to the day when I’m just able to eat without fear, and to truly “feel” that eating one cookie doesn’t give me license to just eat the entire bag, because I already screwed my diet up. I want to wake up in the morning, and just be. I’ll have breakfast, lunch, dinner and it will be mostly healthy and balanced, and maybe I’ll have a cookie or two. I’ll go to bed without being consumed by the choices of my day. That is the place I want to be in. That is my goal.

I’m not only losing myself and finding me on this journey, I’m becoming a better version of the person I already am. I really like me right now BUT I know I’m really going to like the me that’s not afraid of a piece of cake.

What did these 2 weeks give me?

  • I lost another 5 lbs and another inch or two.
  • I found some awesome recipes that follow my plan and I enjoyed a burger ON A BUN. (Well it was kind of a bun, but it worked).
  • A plan and a partner to help me finally conquer food prep and hopefully my vegetable issue.
  • I didn’t lose my bathing suit in the pool, which I was fairly confident would happen because it’s now 3 sizes too big.

 

 

CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN? As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

Weeks 17 & 18. Game On.

People have been asking me about my diet and how I’m losing weight, as it’s finally obvious when you look at me now. I’m not going to lie, it feels pretty good that all of my hard work has been noticed but frankly, it’s the stuff you can’t see that I’m the most happy about. It’s also the stuff that I need to remember.

Lots of you know my crazy health story of the last few years, but just as many of you don’t. So I want to share what’s going on, so you have a better understanding. And hopefully, to also show other people dealing with the same nightmarish crap, that it can get better.

About 3 years ago, I was in 2 car accidents within 5 months of each other. Thankfully I wasn’t badly hurt in either one but on a side note, I did get to enjoy a ride in an ambulance in the dark, down a mountain pass, which was kinda fun. My body went through a lot in those 5 months, and after months of severe pain, I was diagnosed with trauma-induced Fibromyalgia. My main symptoms were localized pain – especially in my chest, hips and pressure points, headaches, internal tremors and massive weakness in my extremities. Some days I could hardly function, as in I could hardly do anything beyond lay on a couch and cry. I’m still trying to figure out what’s Fibro, what’s just being out of shape or just a part of being old. It’s a very confusing, horrible and awful thing to have that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

About 6 months after my last car accident, I got my period. Not a big deal, except that it stayed for 15 months. Straight. I’ll spare you all the gory details but will tell you that it wasn’t your ordinary run of the mill period, it was like a scene from The Shining. I’m fairly certain that I also single-handedly kept the Always maxi-pad franchise afloat for the entire year. I was poked and prodded, had ultrasounds and biopsies and CT scans and all sorts of other goodness with no real answers ever found. At about the one year mark, I received my first blood transfusion as I was basically a walking ghost that was starting to have trouble even staying upright. Within a week of that, I started iron transfusions. They were super hard on my body, as I was so depleted and weak, that surviving those was a battle of its own. I enjoyed collapsed veins, bruises and many needle holes but all of the delicious hospital ice that I could eat, so it wasn’t all bad. 3 months later, I went through the whole transfusion process again, and was finally approved for a hysterectomy.  I joyfully planned my Goodbye Uterus party, but within a month, my surgery dream was taken away as my BMI was 1 point too high for my surgeons hospital. To say that I was upset would be an understatement as I was still bleeding, and was so sick of feeling so awful. My surgeon was angry that I had been turned down so he referred me to his mentor who just so happened to be one of the top doctors in the province. In hindsight, I’m thankful that my surgery was cancelled as my body probably wouldn’t have handled it all the well and I would’ve ended up in a worse boat than I was already in. Instead, this fabulous new doctor said let’s start at the beginning and try the simplest things first. A week after meeting him, I had an IUD inserted. A week after that, I stopped bleeding. He did more testing and it was determined that I was very peri-menopausal, and that my body in all of it’s fabulous-ness slammed itself into that menopausal wall and went berserk. That was all that was wrong. Angry girly parts, and an extra early stop on the menopause train.

I was still very weak, in a bunch of pain and had an immune system that was hardly functioning. My adrenal glands and my liver were angry and very upset with me, but for the first time in a really long time, I had hope that relief was on the horizon. I knew that it was time to change my life and my habits but wasn’t exactly sure how. I was soon diagnosed with malnutrition, and I knew that my change would have to start with food. But how? I was 100 pounds overweight, suffering from malnutrition and living a life filled with pain. It had been 4 months of me pondering what I was going to do when I walked into The Medicine Shoppe and my coach asked me if I was ready to get better. I said Yes, and here we are.

So, what has changed?

  • I no longer have to take any supplemental iron, which you may or may not know, is actually pretty tough on your body.
  • I am no longer in constant pain. I now have bad days as opposed to always bad ones, but I almost always know why they’re happening. Stress & doing way more than I should cause me pain, but I can change that.
  • I now feel rested when I wake up in the morning, even though I only sleep about 5 hours/night.
  • I’ve more or less been able to give up sugar, and don’t suffer from the highs and lows that brings about.
  • I no longer spend half my day on the couch crying in pain or feeling defeated because I wasn’t able to accomplish anything yet again.
  • I have energy. I can think clearly. I feel so much better about myself.
  • I am losing weight.

It’s been a really rough couple of weeks, and I needed to write this all out, not just for you guys but for me as well. I needed to remind myself of where I was, and how incredibly awful my life had become. I needed to remember the reasons that I began this journey in the first place. I needed the reminder that I had to take time to focus on myself.

I’ve let life get in my way again. I’ve let circumstances control the choices that I’m making for myself and I can’t do that anymore. I need to completely buy into my program, and actually do what my coach tells me to do. I need to drink the water. I need to eat the food. All of it. I need to stop being such a twit and allowing my crazy life to dictate my journey.

I am getting better, which I’m very thankful for. But “getting better” isn’t enough anymore, it’s time to do better and just be better. Today I’m choosing to not be so complacent and just satisfied with being content.

I am a Mom. I am a Wife. I am a Foster Parent. I have 7 children, a cat & a dog. I have Fibro. I have an insane schedule and almost zero time for myself.

Thankfully, I am also really good at getting my way and finishing first. And that is exactly what I plan on doing – winning the game that I have been playing and losing all of my life. Consider this the beginning of the second half, that’s where the game gets the most exciting anyways.

Game-On people. Game-On.

 

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  There’s still lots of room on my team. I have an excellent coach & team The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’ve graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

 

The Week 16 Woosh

It’s been 4 months since I started this new way of eating and living, and if I’m being completely honest, it’s been the longest and shortest 16 weeks of my life. I realize that makes zero sense, but let me explain.

When I started this, all I wanted was to just feel better. To have less pain and more good days than bad days. Less headaches, less shaking and a much clearer head. Losing weight was just going to be a side effect of all the new healthy choices that I was making. Getting skinny was never my goal.

But then it got hard, really hard.

I was feeling better, which I was very thankful for. But the “side effects” that I was trying desperately not to focus on were becoming my measurement of success. These things were tangible. I could look in a mirror and see a difference. I could stand on the scale and watch the numbers go down. I could buy smaller clothes. I could pick up something off the floor without feeling like my body was in the way. These things suddenly mean something to me. My weight has become my measure of success.

In saying that though, I still don’t care what I weigh. Not the number anyway, well I think I don’t care. I like that the numbers are getting smaller, but I still have no idea what the number ever is. My coach always says Good Job, and I always have to ask if I lost. I really couldn’t tell you what I weigh. My weightloss has now become my measure of success, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I really don’t want to focus on my weight because the rest of the world already does enough of that for me, but my brain is feeling something different from what my heart wants. My head is in such a weird place as I try to work through all of these changes. I’ve never spent this much time trying to focus on myself and my needs. I’ve never really paid all that much attention to what I ate. Or what I did or didn’t do physically. Now I’ve got a coach that wants to know what and when I’m eating, and an Apple Watch that is constantly beeping at me telling me to stand up and move, or to Breathe and focus. This is, without question, the strangest place I’ve ever been.

Strange but good, and incredibly difficult all at the same time.

I’m having a hard time eating all the healthy food that I’m supposed to because it seems like it takes forever to chew it all. I used to have no problem eating 3 times the same amount in crappy food, and now when I look at my plate filled with goodness, I feel overwhelmed. Why do nachos and cactus cut fries just slide down your throat so easily anyways? I used to be able to drink 4 or 5 refills of Diet Coke when I’d go out for dinner, and now I can hardly get through 2 glasses of ice water. I’m not avoiding the good food, it just seems like it’s so much harder to eat. Maybe this is what satiated and full actually feels like. Hhhmmm….weird.

In spite of all these crazy thoughts, these 16 weeks have flown right by. I absolutely love Ideal Protein and the support that I’m getting, and I’m looking forward to all that comes in the next part of my journey.

I’m hopeful that the next 16 weeks will be where my “choices” become habits and that I won’t have to think about them quite so hard. That I will finally be able to shop in ANY store and not just the plus-size ones. That I will start to appreciate cooking a whole lot more. And that I will finally be able to stop thinking of myself as being on a diet.

I’m looking forward to just being.

What did Week 16 bring me?

  • A week in Banff with the Husband AND I stayed on plan. (I ignored the call of the Beaver Tail)
  • A new point of view in my brain
  • A new appreciation for cauliflower and how easily it can be turned into something super tasty.
  • I ate ALL my food this week, and I lost 6 more pounds. Guess eating does effect your weight. LOL.

 

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into  The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

Weeks 14 and 15, and Getting in my Own Way

The past 2 weeks have really sucked on the eating healthy to get better train. In fact, it’s pretty much been the exact opposite of that. It’s been two weeks of woe is me, I feel like crap, I look like crap and I really, really want to eat crap. Its been a two-week blip on what seems like a really, really long trip.

I’m still amazed at how easy it is for me to fall right back into old patterns. It seems to always happen the second I lose focus. Or the second I get so busy that I forget to think. Or when I decide that celery is pretty much the most awful thing and that nachos would be so much better. It’s so easy to forget.

The last month of school is absolute insanity for me as I’m in this constant state of running, and assessments and placement meetings and all sorts of craziness. It basically consumes me and in that consumption, I get stuck. I don’t eat, I live on ice water and adrenaline and hope for the best. Thankfully, this time I’ve had some healthy shakes and foods to keep me one step above starving, but as usual, I’ve put my very real needs on the back burner and just existed.

How in the world does taking the time to eat become something that you just stop doing? Is making a salad or chewing on some raw vegetables really all that big of a deal? I’ve spent the last 30 years living on toast for 2 meals a day, and now that I need to make better choices and eat healthier, it feels like food prep take FOREVER. It’s like torture. Who knew that washing lettuce and putting it in a bag would be the thing that put me over the edge?

I don’t have time to prepare food. I don’t have time to plan. I don’t have time to find the time. Now that I’m forcing myself to look at my life and my choices, I’m starting to see how much control food has had in my life. How it has always been this thing that was always there, contributing to how I looked and how I felt. It has been like it’s own living and breathing presence in my life and then I had children. At that point, my relationship with food changed. It kind of become a nothing, a “nothing” that consisted of eating whatever, whenever I wanted. Or eating nothing at all. My relationship with food has always been about extremes, and then adding the busyness of being a Mom and loving someone more than I loved myself, that extreme went out of control.

There’s a reason why women get heavier once they have children, they shift the focus from themselves and put all of it on their children. It’s what Mama’s do. It’s what Mama’s are supposed to. Food becomes something that needs to be eaten quickly and on the run. Or it’s the thing that comforts you at midnight when you’ve finally collapsed on the couch. It’s fast food, quick fixes and “whatever’s easy”. You make good healthy choices for your kids but not for yourself, because the focus has changed. How in the world does a Mom shift that focus back to herself? How do you find the balance in being a great Mom, and a great advocate for yourself? HOW DO YOU DO THAT? I just can’t figure it out. I can’t actually find the words or the willpower or the whatever it is that I’m missing to make myself a priority. I’ve heard the whole “put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else” spiel many times. And the “what good are you to anyone else if you’re not healthy” statements more times than I can count. I’ve heard them, I agree with them, but I just cannot implement them. I just can’t find the balance.

As I work through this journey of losing myself and finding me, this is the thing that continues to trip me up. It is this, not Iced Capps and cupcakes, it’s ME. And a whole lot of excuses as to why I can’t choose better and just shut-up and do better. I know what I have to do. I know that the task truly isn’t that difficult. I know that I can find the time. I know that I’m the thing that’s holding me back. Now to figure out how to get out of my own way, and to stay out if forever.

I will not be defeated by busyness and a pile of vegetables. I am so much stronger than a head of lettuce.

What did these 2 weeks bring me?

A weight gain of 3 lbs.

More inches lost and more clothes to get rid of.

The hope that I have finally found the strength to put me first.

 

 

  • I’m super thankful for my coach right now and the Ideal Protein products as they are helping me through these tough weeks, and helping me find my way back. (And for those of you wondering, I am still eating, I’m just not eating enough).               CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  As always, remember that if you that you read my blog when you head into  The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

 

 

 

Week 13 and the Happiest Turtle Ever

Week 13 was a good week for me. I’m not sure why, but it was just a “good feeling” week. It was also a week of a lot of thinking and pondering and debating with myself.

As someone that’s overweight and on an never-ending diet, I’m the member of a lot of weight loss groups. I read a lot of posts, see a lot of new and awesome products and look at a lot of before and after photos. I’ve also been on more diets and followed more plans than I can ever even begin to write down. I’ve lost 100+ pounds on three different occasions. I am a professional dieter that has mastered the art of a quick fix and the ability to lose weight quickly. Problem is, I suck at changing myself and getting better. I can lose it almost as fast as I can gain it back. I’m so good at it that I should actually figure out how to add that skill to my resume.  🙂

Reality is, you don’t end up 100 lbs over weight by just overeating. It is so much bigger than that. It’s unhealthy choices, unhealthy habits and more often than not, the putting of oneself on the back burner. It’s about people choosing to put others first while they languish in the background. It’s about people who have lost hope and don’t feel like they can ever change. It’s about accepting where you’re at and either loving life or completely giving up. It’s about all or none of these things. Don’t ever think that losing 100 lbs is all about calories, because it isn’t. Trust me, my calorie intake is the least of my worries.

For me, I’ve always been floundering in the middle. I’ve never hated myself, never been depressed about my weight, never felt lonely or unlovable, never felt ugly or gross. I’ve always been very okay with who I am, despite of how I looked. But in saying that, I think that I turned my weight into a non-issue, which has both good and bad sides. I should have cared, not because of how I looked, but because I needed to think more about myself. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I deserved better than what I was accepting, and that is where I went wrong. I became okay with just being okay.

When I restarted this journey for what I’m calling “the first all-in time I’m on a diet”, my first instinct was to find the quickest and easiest way to lose weight. My first thought was that I needed to lose weight quickly so I’d feel better sooner. It still wasn’t about pounds, but it was about getting out of pain and discomfort as soon as possible. My head was still blaming everything on my weight, as opposed to my choices and/or my circumstances. BUT, I remembered my past diets and my crazy weight losing and gaining abilities and stopped myself from going in that direction.

I CANNOT LOSE WEIGHT AT WARP SPEED. I need to focus on me, my horrible bad habits, my historically bad choices and my lackadaisical outlook on life. My ability to be content in the midst of chaos and pain isn’t healthy. My willingness to give up all I am so that others may have it is an awesome thing, in theory. I’m just now understanding that I need to hang onto some of that for myself. I need time and a quick fix or a super fast loss will do nothing but change what I see in the mirror. Thankfully, I see that now.

When I started on the Ideal Protein journey, I knew that I had found something that worked for me. It’s forcing me to pay attention to myself and to actually be aware of not only what I’m eating, but how I’m feeling. The weekly check-in’s are keeping me accountable and keeping me out of my own head. Cause let me tell you, every time I see a before and after pic of someone that’s lost 25 lbs in 3 weeks, my brain wants to jump off my slow moving boat and get on that speedy one. This “diet” choice is also the first time, in all my years of dieting, that I haven’t felt like I’m on a diet. I’m tasting food that I’ve never even tried before. I’m feeling satiated after eating a big, healthy salad which still totally weirds me out by the way. My cravings for sugary goodness and midnight nachos have pretty much hit the road. And I feel good, my head gets a little bit more clear everyday and my body seems to be much less angry at me. This journey has truly been a gift to me and my family.

The run away from Fat April is not a race but a nice slow leisurely jog, and frankly, I’ve never liked sprinting. I’m one fine and happy fat Turtle.

Week 13 brought me this.

  • A massive revelation.
  • A new appreciation for my journey.
  • My worst bowling score ever. I SUCK at bowling.
  • Results. 33 lbs down, and 6 inches have disappeared from my waist.

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into  The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

Week 12 and Redefining the F-Word

Since I started this journey, I’ve been using the word Fat a lot to describe myself and the skin that I’m in. For as many times as I’ve said it, I’ve received just as many messages from friends telling me to stop calling myself that. They’ve all said that they don’t see me that way, that I’m being too hard on myself and that I should just love myself. Well, here’s my take on that.

Fat is no different than chubby or fluffy or plump or whatever other word people use when they’re trying to not use the word Fat. They all mean the same thing, some just sound prettier. I guess that I’ve heard all of these names for so many years now that I don’t really have any feelings about them and for that I’m thankful. Somewhere down the line, those negative and horrible words lost their power and became exactly what they are, just words.

The word Fat actually doesn’t define me. It never has and it never will. To me, it’s a descriptor, that’s it. Unless, you judge me based solely on my weight, then we’ve got a problem. You may remember this rant from a couple of years ago when I said something about the “look at the fat lady” jerky people. The difference lies in the delivery. The word Fat isn’t the issue, it’s the sentiment behind it. Talk to me and not about me, and you’ll quickly realize that fat isn’t who I am.

SO to my friends and the world in general, I ask this of you. When you look at me, it’s okay to see me as someone that is fat. But I hope you also see me and every other overweight person in the world as much more than that. Fat doesn’t even begin to describe a person’s character, their value or their story. Please don’t ever forget that and please for the love of all things, stop giving crap words so much power. We are all the same, just packaged differently.

My reality is this: I am fat. One day, I won’t be. I’m also tall, have really big feet, brown and reddish hair that is almost never brushed, and blue-ish green-ish eyes. I’m also gorgeous and hilarious, and pretty close to perfect. 🙂 Fat may be the most obvious thing that you see but let me tell you, that’s only the surface. My insides are much bigger and much more fabulous than you can even begin to grasp.

What you see as negative, I see as me. And I like me just fine.

What did week 12 bring me? 

A little bit more self-awareness and a deeper understanding of myself.

I ate asparagus and I didn’t die.

A waist-line. Who knew?

More inches lost, more pounds gone. A little bit less fat.

 

 

 

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into  The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

 

Week Eleven, and Nothing to Say

The best thing about this post is that I really have nothing to say.

I am doing good. I’m finding my groove and I feel like I’m winning this battle.

This week wasn’t any harder than usual but it wasn’t easier. It was just another week, and frankly, that feels pretty good.

I don’t recall ever really feeling this in control before. If I forget to eat, or miss my vitamins or don’t finish all my water, I no longer feel a sense of defeat. I don’t feel like spending the rest of the day eating cookies and drinking pop. The desire to just pack it in and give up seems to have left me. I hope it stays away.

The week of nothing. Best week ever.

Week Eleven gave me these things:

~ More inches gone, and 3.5 more pounds have hit the road.

~ 3 people joined my team of Losers and I’m so excited to help them on their journey.

~ I found a new place to meet my friends for lunch, and for anyone that is trying to cut out sugar and bad fats knows, that is hard to find. Who knew Safeway & their fancy new salad bar and eating area would become my new hot spot? Lunch date anyone?

~ I tried some new Ideal Protein products this week and have found a new fave. Mushroom and Parmesan Couscous Risotto is delish, and is a perfect addition to my big lunch salad.

~ I had to buy new underwear, cause mine were falling off. Big ol’ panties that slide down under your butt when you walk, is not a good thing.  🙂

 

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  There’s still lots of room on my team. I have an excellent coach & team The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’ve graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.