The Joys of Being a Girl

If you’re a man reading this, I’m sorry. (Well I’m not really all that sorry, but I’m being polite). Feel free to just move on now or keep reading, and hopefully leave with a greater appreciation of your significant other.

Puberty. Boobs. Bras. Pantyhose. Waxing.  High Heels. Aunt Flo. These are just a few of the reasons why being a girl sucks.

It all begins with puberty. All of the sudden you’re crazy emotional, and you’ve got no idea why. You’re happy, you’re sad, you’re hungry, you’re angry, you’re confused and you’re really, really tired. You wait and wait for boobies to appear so you can get a training bra, and when they finally start appearing, they hurt. A lot. And then all of the stories about “becoming a woman” come true. Once you recover from the shock and horror of it all, you realize that this “gift” will keep on giving for the next 40+ years. So exciting.

I’ve been a “woman” for about 26 years now. I’m over it. I’m tired of shoving things in, pulling things out, wrapping things up, and throwing things away. I’m tired of being in pain and ravenously craving things that I can never find. I’m tired of mood swings and not being able to go swimming and wear white pants all the time. OK, I’ve never worn white pants, but I would appreciate having the option any time I wanted to.  I’m done pro-creating, so why in the world am I still suffering with “the curse”?

I think there should be an off button that you can just press when you deliver your last child. Wham, bam, thank-you Maam. Good-bye Mother Nature and Hello to not having to plan vacations and parties around your “monthly visitor”.

I hate nylons. They are too tight and very uncomfortable. And if you forget to shave your legs before putting them on, they can be downright painful. And I’m sorry, but no one needs to have colorful sparkly legs. Ever.

High heels. What is the point? If you’re short, I get it. But I’m 5’10” tall and I am close enough to God already … so why exactly do I need to be taller? Not only that, they are a health hazard. If you manage to not “fall off” the suckers and break your ankle, you can still get shin splints and all sorts of other foot problems. I know that beauty is pain, but seriously, crutches aren’t all that sexy either.

Bras. I understand the point of them, and I totally encourage women to wear them. All the time. I just wish they were all soft and comfy, like a t-shirt. Wires and snaps and clasps have no place poking and sticking at the boobies. None. And then there’s a man’s obsession with bras that starts at a very early age. Really, what fun is there in snapping a girls bra strap? Explain that one to me. Anybody?

Yearly Physicals. 1 word … Stirrups. Enough said.

I don’t even think that the “joy” of childbirth requires an explanation because really, are there even enough words to truly describe “that experience”? Love my kids, but think special deliveries made by a stork would be an awesome thing.

Hair Removal. Where to even begin with this one? Shaving does the job but it’s dangerous. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve shaved chunks of skin off my ankles. I gave that Epilady dealio a try, and yeah, that is so NOT a good idea. And then there’s waxing. There’s been many, many great stories written about women’s waxing experiences and pretty much all of them involve ripping, screaming, blood and then it repeats. It’s a horrific process but a necessary one. Women really shouldn’t be beastly, in my humble opinion.  

I guess I’ve just grown tired of these things and I’m ready for something new or I’m PMS’ing and just needed to vent.  I do know that I want all of my outfits to be purple and red and have fancy hats. I want to wear sensible shoes all the time. (OK, I kinda already do that).  I revel at the idea of never putting on another pair of control-top pantyhose and/or “slimming” underwear. I plan on just tucking my boobs into my waistband and throwing all my bras away. I’m counting the days until menopause, and look forward to trading in my maxi-pads for hot flashes.

I’m fully aware that menopause probably won’t be all that fun either, but I need new things to complain about. And I’m looking forward to spending my money on something besides tampons, midol and Costco sized bags of chips.  🙂

someecards.com - Oh crap! My tampon fell out!

11 thoughts on “The Joys of Being a Girl

  1. cruelladekill October 8, 2012 at 9:19 pm Reply

    Hear, hear!!

  2. largerthanlifeblog October 8, 2012 at 10:40 pm Reply

    Reading this post was fun! fun! fun! Three cheers to our proud womanhood!

    🙂
    Sayori

  3. shandracarlson October 8, 2012 at 11:08 pm Reply

    HA! All I can say is make sure your waistband is elastic and has no buttons or snaps……. 😉

  4. rslavoie October 9, 2012 at 8:40 am Reply

    “Stirrups. Enough said.” – Amen and Amen!

    Hahaha! I loved this 🙂 Looking forward to hearing more of your perspective and anecdotes!

  5. Cassye October 9, 2012 at 9:33 am Reply

    Wow, very well written and thoroughly sums up the experience! I’m 43 and have already been experiencing the joys of perimenopause for about 7 years now. It took my mom10 years to cross ‘the change’ finish line. Reproductively I’ve followed right in her footsteps, so I’m figuring maybe only 3 years to go…the new symptoms just keep on coming, so get ready!

  6. amphomma October 9, 2012 at 10:54 am Reply

    Thanks for a good chuckle–and your post came at an appropriate time for me to truly appreciate it (you know, the irritable, tired, chocolate chip cookie time of life?)! I could use heels, being a petite lady, but they are not practical enough for Target and playgrounds…I don’t mind bras, because nursing two children all but vanquished them from my chest–it’s like a flashback to prepubescent days, in my 30’s! Being a woman is a tricky thing indeed. Blessings to you, and keep writing!

  7. alwadiahahmad October 10, 2012 at 9:14 am Reply

    Reblogged this on alwadiahahmad's Blog.

  8. murphymusthavehadkids October 10, 2012 at 10:04 pm Reply

    Lol! As for the “joy” of childbirth: both of my darling children had heads that were in the 97th percentile.

  9. Carla February 17, 2015 at 11:36 pm Reply

    Oh yeah, perimenopause. That is sooooo much better! wild mood swings, hot flashes, fatigue, weight gain, vaginal dryness and both dry skin AND zits.

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