Is it a beginning or an end?

Everyday I’m faced with the reality of just how different I am than the people I’ve surrounded myself with. Not in a bad way, but in a “one of these things is not like the other” kinda way. Sometimes I feel like there’s something missing inside of me, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to find it. Am I not supposed to desire more, or want to see and experience more things? Why is that feeling just not there?

That may not really make sense to you, and frankly, I’m not sure that it even makes all that much sense to me, but let me explain it a little bit more.

When I look at pictures of far away places and see movies and hear stories that speak of adventure and new experiences, I’m content with the place that I am in. I have no desire to go and see them. None. When I see these same things in person, I see that they are beautiful and majestic, but I don’t “feel” them. I recognize that their placement in this world and the spaces that they fill are nothing short of a miracle, but still I’m happy to just appreciate them from afar.

When I get invited to attend events and experience new things, I don’t really want to go. It’s not that I don’t recognize that they are great opportunities to learn more and to see new things, but I don’t really feel any need to experience them. It’s not that I don’t like the people who are there or don’t want to spend time with them, I actually really, really like people and love being with them. But for some reason, that’s not a strong enough pull to get me there. I’m happy when I’m there, but I know that I’d be just as happy not being there. It is the weirdest thing, and it’s really hard to even put into words.

When I receive recognition or appreciation for the things I do or say, I almost feel guilty for hearing them. I really don’t feel like I’ve done anything that should be rewarded. I feel like I was put on this earth for a reason, and everything that I say or do is a reflection of that. I want to affect the people around me, not for my sake, but for theirs. And as I write that, I know it may come across as attention seeking, but trust me, it isn’t. I don’t want awards or to be pulled up on a stage, I want none of it. I want my life to be about making other people’s lives better, not about me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love meeting new people and making new friends. I look forward to working on new ideas and starting new businesses. I love being a foster parent and the challenges that new kids bring to our world. I like expressing myself creatively through writing or design. I love my life, and the people that surround me.

But if I never did anything beyond what I’m doing today, I would be okay with that.  I am content in my life and have absolutely zero need for anything more. I literally am happy, exactly where I am.

Or so I thought.

A few weeks ago, I woke up with this incredibly strong feeling that something new was on my horizon. Something amazing that is just waiting for me to grab it and run with it. Something that may force me to step out of my contentment and comfortableness, and I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

Maybe I’m no longer content with being content. And maybe, just maybe, my normal is about to get really abnormal. Question is, am I ready to say good-bye to the old me and my old path? I really don’t know.

Are any of you in the same place as me? Are you completely satisfied with the life you’re living and don’t really feel like you need “more”? Are you waiting on the edge of a cliff, hoping that you’ll be brave enough to jump or are you just waiting for someone to throw you off? Are you ready to trust the voice inside of you that’s saying, GO. Go now.

I think it’s time to take a leap … who’s jumping with me?

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9 thoughts on “Is it a beginning or an end?

  1. oawritingspoemspaintings June 6, 2013 at 3:22 am Reply

    Wow! This post just blew me away! You practically voiced my feelings & thoughts. Just when I thought the article had finished Wham! You showed that other side of me…
    You just have the gift to give our thoughts words. We all are similar. I tend to have learnt to let the moments happen and if it’s time for change, I trust it’ll be presented to me one way or another.
    I feel life is much simpler than our mind makes of it and if we respect time & place, it flows just the way it always does. Our impatience makes us believe that if we don’t force things, we’ll miss out.
    We surely have to do our part but in a peaceful trusting way, only then do we take real pleasure and enjoy the fruits of our labor.
    Thanks for this amazing, heartfelt post!

    • this mom's got something to say ... June 6, 2013 at 12:44 pm Reply

      I’m so thankful that I’ve been blessed with contentment and the joy in my little world, and am glad to know that there are other people that feel the same thing. Something new is going to be fun, I just know it. 🙂

  2. Kat June 6, 2013 at 5:40 am Reply

    Were we separated at birth? You have a wonderful way with words that I can’t hope to match but you express so much of what I too feel. Unlike some of my friends, I have never felt the urge to travel to far places or have grand adventures. I have always been content with my home, my city, my family and the life that I have made for myself. Lately, however, there has been something deep inside that has been poking at me telling me that there should be something else, something different. It has been tarnishing my contentment and leaving me wondering what I am missing. I don’t know what it is yet but I’m keeping my mind, heart and eyes open.

    • this mom's got something to say ... June 6, 2013 at 12:48 pm Reply

      It’s nice when we find people that can relate to what’s going on inside our own heads, isn’t it? I’m not sure that I feel something missing per say but maybe it’s more the idea of something great “in addition to”. Now to just stay calm in the journey. 🙂

  3. Geri Oort-Horsman June 6, 2013 at 9:15 am Reply

    Wow, April you really are not that different I think, you just know how to put it into words, I also love doing new things and going to new places, but I would also be perfectly happy to stay right where I am, people have asked me what my “five year plan” is and I really don’t know, I just expect God to put things in front of me and then go with them.

    • this mom's got something to say ... June 6, 2013 at 12:51 pm Reply

      I’m really starting to wish that the things thrown in front of me had more instructions on them. Or at the least flashing lights that said “pick-me, pick-me”.

  4. Your hubby June 6, 2013 at 10:26 am Reply

    I’m ready to jump. It’s scary but I believe God is challenging me to get out of my comfort zone and just rely on Him.

  5. Christina June 6, 2013 at 11:07 pm Reply

    April, I feel like we have very similar personalities. (I think that’s one thing I LOVE about living in the country – it’s like my own little oasis where I can be slightly hermity and content with my quiet time and family life.) It’s really exciting that you feel like there’s something HUGE on the horizon for you, and I can’t wait to see what’s in store! You are a very influencial person and always have so much wisdom to share. Thanks for being YOU.

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