Weeks 21, 22 and Losing my Will

These past 2 weeks have been really hard. Really hard.

Circumstances, pain flare-ups, situations, and moments out of my control have more or less consumed me for the past 2 weeks. In that consumption, I’ve lost sight of what I’m trying to accomplish. I’m at the place where I want to just quit, and be done, and go back to not really caring. I want to go out with my friends and eat whatever I want. I want to eat toast for breakfast.

Unfortunately, I also really want to not hurt. I want to shop in any store and pick out any clothes and put them on and have them fit me. I want to feel super comfortable in my skin and not think about how other people see me. I want to be healthy. I want all of the things that I don’t have right now.

And there-in lies the problem.

I’m done but I’m so NOT done at the same time. When I think about all of the things that I’m whining and complaining about, they’re so stupid. Boo-Hoo, I can’t have cake. I have to eat vegetables and steak and not a plate of nachos. Oh woe is me. I’m actually having a pity party for myself over the loss of sugar, and the overall feelings of crappiness that it fills me with. It makes absolutely no sense, but here I am, wallowing in it. Like an idiot.

The funny thing is, in all of this whining, I haven’t been cheating. I haven’t been eating at McDonalds or sneaking Iced Capps. I’ve just been surviving on mostly air, some water and a protein shake or two. I also had a moment, and drank 2 Diet Cokes, which resulted in 3 days of extreme bloating, joint pain and the worst headache that I’ve had in a long time. Instead of eating the bags of veggies I’ve pre-cut for myself, and the meals that I’ve got frozen in the freezer, I chose Diet Pop.

Explain that to me. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why is it so incredibly hard for me to give a rats behind about myself? Why can I look into the eyes of my children and want for them to be healthy and happy and strong? Or at my husband? Or my parents? Or my friends? Why can I see it, and feel it for everyone else but still not feel it for myself? Intellectually I get it, and I understand why it needs to happen. But I don’t “feel” it.

Or am I just being lazy and choosing the easy way through this instead of focusing on what I really need to do? 45 years of being fat, 97% really happy and fairly successful is what I know. It’s safe and it’s who I’ve always been. Do I not want it bad enough? Is that what this is? Laziness?

I don’t think it is though because if I shut my brain off and listen to my heart,  I KNOW that I really do want more of what the world has to offer. And that this body and my health is stopping me from experiencing everything. I want it, and I have flashes of feeling it, but I just can’t get it to stick. Maybe I just answered my own question though … maybe it’s about shutting my brain off, ignoring the nonsense in my head and just focusing on doing what I know I need to do – instead of waiting to feel it. Gah.

When I began this journey, it was hard but easy at the same time. I felt so incredibly awful that it was easy to grab onto something that made me feel better. But now that I feel mostly good, I’m getting lost without the obvious reminders. I never would’ve thought that it would be the middle of my story that would be the hardest part of this, but yet, here I am. Wallowing and floundering and only half way there.

I really don’t want to be taken out by the middle. That’s the best part of an Oreo and I’m going to turn it into the best part of my story too. I can do this.

What did these two weeks bring me?

  • A loss of 5 pounds last week, this week, I don’t know as I didn’t make it to my weigh-in. Sigh.
  • Almost 30″ lost now which means I need a new wardrobe, but I’m holding out a bit longer.
  • I ate jicama and turnips AND I liked them.
  • An aspartame induced three day long torture episode.
  • The packing and a move of a child out of my home.
  • The accidental but almost fatal poisoning by me – of our dog, who is absolutely fine now. Amen.
  • The discovery that I’m not doing as well as I thought I was.
  • Admitting and accepting that it’s okay to not be okay while knowing that I’m going to be more than okay in the end.
  • Calling the middle out for what it is, messy and rude.

 

**** I am still so very thrilled about being on Ideal Protein and following the plan. It’s made me more conscious of what I’m eating and/or not eating. It’s forcing me to eat for nutrition and not for convenience. I’m not struggling because of Ideal Protein, I’m struggling because of me. The Ideal Protein plan, my coach, the staff in my clinic, and the support that I’ve received have helped me in ways that I can never describe. Without them, I would’ve given up a long time ago and just fell back into my old ways. I can say, without hesitation that if you are ready to change your life & get healthy. Give this a try.  ****

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

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