Category Archives: Losing Myself & Finding Me

Week Eight and Losing Faith

This has been a really discouraging week for me.

I allowed myself to focus on the numbers on the scale as opposed to measuring my success by the way I felt. I’ve never really cared about what I weighed or what I looked like, but now all of the sudden, I was focusing on that. The size of my jeans is effecting the state of mind.

When I look at how far I need to go to get to a healthy weight, it’s terrifying, and frankly, how in the heck is this going to even happen? And how long will it actually take? And am I totally setting myself to fail at this for the gazillionith time? Will my outside ever match my inside? Can I do this?

In my head, I know that the changes and the improvements that I’m feeling are massive, but why are they falling to the wayside? Why am I thinking about number of pounds lost as opposed to how little pain I am in now? How have I forgotten about my how much clearer my head is and how much better I feel in general? How does something that I’ve never really cared all that much about have this much power in my head? Why does this need to happen?

It took me almost 45 years to get to the place I am, and even though part of me knows that my world can’t change overnight, I still want that. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see that I am done. I want to be able to eat whatever I want, wear whatever I want and not have to constantly think about all of the ways I’ve screwed up or how I’ve failed. I want to just be a normal person that no one looks at and judges because of the size I am or the foods that I’m putting in my mouth. I want to not be where I am physically. I want to think about something else.

This is a horrible place to be. A stinking, rotten, mind messing up, place to be.

At least it was. Thankfully, I managed to wake up and after about 5 days of nonsense, I remembered what I’m really working towards. It’s not about a size. It’s not about a reflection in a mirror. And it most certainly isn’t about a number on a scale.

It’s about life. And not living the one that I’ve been trapped in for the last few years. It’s about fixing something that I’ve broken. And obviously, I’ve got to start working on my brain and reminding it of what this is truly about.

It’s not about skinny. It’s about losing myself and finding me. In spite of the numbers.

Week Eight gave me this:

5 days of mental torment and disbelief.

A reminder of why I’m doing this and where I’m going.

And leggings. I wore leggings in public, which I’m still not convinced is the right choice for a fat girl, but it was either that or the super large lumberjack pants. No one laughed at me, so I’m calling that a win.

No weigh-in this week though as I picked up the plague from one of the 7, and am languishing on the couch with throat drops and Advil which frankly, I’m looking at as a gift. This was not the week to step on a scale.

As I move forward, I acknowledge that I don’t have to be strong and perfect all the time. Instead, I need to just be okay. And happy. And kind to myself. The rest of it is just cake. Or at least one day, it will be.  🙂

 

 

  • WANT TO JOIN ME? I have an excellent coach & team The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share, and I could use a weight loss buddy. They’ve graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

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Week Seven. I’m such a Loser.

At the end of Week Seven, I felt really good. Like really good. Which is still such a weird and foreign feeling for me. Not being in constant pain and feeling like I’m on death’s door is something that I’m REALLY not missing. I’m getting my energy back and I no longer need to sit and rest throughout the day. Momming has become so much easier, and man alive, I am so very thankful for that. Seven children is a lot of work and I finally feel like I’m waking up enough to do all that I need to do.

I’m slowly making new habits, and getting into a nice rhythm. I’ve changed up the way I eat some things, and moved some foods around, and it works so much better. I love that Ideal Protein makes it easy for me to do that, and that I don’t EVER feel like I’m starving. I feel more or less satisfied and always full.

I won’t lie and say that I’m not missing a few of the things that I’ve given up because that would be a downright lie. I want an Iced Capp and some buttered toast more than anything else in the world. And maybe some cupcake frosting. And come on Starbucks, did you really have to release a limited edition Unicorn Frappucino right now? Really? Apparently I have a carb problem.:)

I really want these things, but frankly, I’ve eaten enough of all of them over the past many years, so I can wait another 9 months. I’d love to say that I could just eat one and be done with it, but I can’t. I’m fairly convinced that I’m like an addict, a sugary-carby addict and I have to say No. My mind and my body need me to continue on this healthier thinking and living path. I need to do this for me. And maybe, just maybe in 9 months, I won’t want them quite so badly. Crossing my fingers anyways.

Week Seven and here’s my updated results. To date, I’ve lost:

20.6 lbs & 10″

My BMI has gone done 3 points, my body fat has gone down 2%, and my blood pressure has dropped more than 10 points. My blood sugars are stable, and my inflammation levels continue to come down.

I’ve lost more weight before, but this time, my body is changing way quicker. I look and feel so much different. It’s kinda cool.

So without question, I’m doing great. I’m not just losing weight but I’m getting better. I need to be better more than I need to be skinny, but I am enjoying the losing weight “side effect”. LOL.

Now to buy more pants and underwear, cause baggy underwear is NOT a good thing.

 

 

  • JOIN ME.  As always, I’m SO thankful for my coach, Suhas and his team at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share. They’ve also graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. I’d LOVE to have some company and a listening ear for the not so good days that I’m sure will eventually show up. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

Week Six and Not enough Lettuce on the Mountain

Week Six started with me not getting weighed in at the completion of Week Five. In hindsight, I should have made time for my weekly check-in & reminder to take care of myself. Apparently, I need to hear those words repeatedly because I still suck at it.

I was so proud of myself this trip because I pre-planned every meal for my family. Right down to the condiments and seasonings. I have never been that organized and prepared for a vacation before and I was looking forward to everything going smoothly. And it did, until we sat down to eat supper and I realized that I couldn’t eat the food I’d prepared.

I’d actually forgotten to plan for myself.

By the middle of the week, I’d run out of fresh veggies and started my usual pattern of non-eating. I drank a lot of water, ate my protein packs and lean protein. And then I had a burger. With a bun.

I fessed up to my coach, and his response was, “Could you have just not eaten the bun”?

Why, yes, yes I could’ve done that. But I didn’t. In all honesty, it didn’t even cross my mind to not eat the bun. It was a good bun, which I’m now craving. Which is a problem.

The crazy thing about all of this is that I don’t feel deprived or that I’m missing out on anything. I don’t feel all woe is me or sad about the decisions that I’ve made to follow this plan. I don’t really want and most certainly don’t need the things I’ve given up. My fight is against old habits, and automatic reactions and motions that my brain and body just seem to do on their own.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone through a drive-through with my family and ordered myself something, only to throw it away once it’s in my hands. I’ve bought myself a drink, only to remember that I shouldn’t be drinking it once the straw is in my mouth. Or the burger that I’m about to eat while we drive to yet another appointment. It’s just another weird thing that I’m slowly working though. Old habits really, truly die hard. I am happy to report though that not a single drop of Tim Hortons Iced Capp goodness has actually crossed my lips in over 6 weeks, even though I’ve ordered a few. LOL.

My week on the side of a mountain was wonderful but I’m home now and all is right in my world. I’m back on track. I’ve got a fridge full of veggies and had my weekly reprimand and encouragement. It’s nice knowing that even though I didn’t do all that I needed to do, I’m still okay and I can still keep going. There’s a really nice peace in that.

No guilt and no regrets. Just another reminder that I need to think of myself sometimes. Not always first, but at least in the list somewhere.

That’s my challenge this week. Figure out how to be a Mom to Many without throwing myself to the bottom of the pile while I lift them up. This is going to be hard. But doable right?

Week Six brought me these gifts:

~ I lost almost 6 pounds.

~ The realization that I need new pants because I’m starting to look like I borrowed all mine from a very large lumberjack.

~ A great week with my family. Hamburger bun and all. I am blessed.

 

 

  • PLEASE JOIN ME. I can always use a buddy that’s in this with me. I’ve got an excellent coach in Suhas and his team at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share. They’ve also graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

 

 

Week Five. Ankles & Impossibilities

After being in 2 car accidents within 6 months, I was diagnosed with Trauma-Induced Fibromyalgia 2 years ago. Since then, I’ve been swollen, inflamed and in pain. My hands, my wrist and my ankles have been constantly “puffy” for lack of a better word. It has sucked.

But since I’ve started Ideal Protein, the swelling and the pain have decreased dramatically. Dramatically. And now, I have ankles. I guess they were always there, but I can now see them and they’re just not a swollen mass at the bottom of my leg.

It’s not a big deal, but it’s something. It’s a reminder that I’m actually getting somewhere and that I’m getting better. These past 2 weeks have been hard, so looking down and seeing my ankle is exactly what I needed to see.

I made a commitment to follow this plan and make this my year, and I still mean it. I also know, without a doubt that I will finish what I’ve started. But this week, it’s been hard remembering that.

This has been a week of me seeing this massive goal that I’ve set for myself, and I’ve questioned my ability to power through it. And if I’m actually insane to think that it’s even possible. Is it actually an impossible task?

I’ve been overweight my entire life and unhealthy for almost as long, so it’s really hard for me to imagine myself as anything other than who I am now. It’s hard to envision something and stay focused on it when you’ve never seen or felt it before. I’m reaching for something that has never existed in my world. It’s a strange feeling.

I’m at the beginning of a seemingly impossible and ridiculously hard journey, but I’m still on it. I’m still going. And in spite of all my messed up and crazy thinking, I have ankles. That is good enough. For now.

Week Five Wrap-Up:

  • I’ve got no results to share with you as I went on vacation instead of getting weighed-in. 🙂
  • Swelling is still going down.
  • Almost everyone is now commenting that I look better. Not skinnier, but better. Which I like.
  • I haven’t quit. I haven’t given up. I am still here.
  • Impossible? We shall see.

 

 

  • PLEASE JOIN ME. I can always use a buddy that’s in this with me. I’ve got an excellent coach in Suhas and his team at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share. They’ve also graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

Week Four and Lessons Learned

Today wrapped up Week 4 in my new and exciting journey. It wasn’t a super great week for me, and it didn’t end as I hoped it would. But it did end, and it’s reminded me of exactly why I started this journey in the first place.

It’s Me. I fail miserably at taking care of myself, and I’ve got to figure out a way to change that. Change my brain. Change the way that I think about myself. Change from being number 42 on the importance scale to at least a 2 or 3.

I’m still totally enjoying Ideal Protein and the program. I love that it’s simple and straightforward, and that I don’t have to be some Masterchef to follow the plan closely. I haven’t cheated. I’m not craving sugar like a maniac. I’m not eating just to eat. I’m doing good for the most part.

Where I’m failing, is that I’m falling back into a pattern of not eating. I get busy, and distracted and I just don’t eat. 2 days this week, I literally ate nothing until 6:30pm, and even then, it wasn’t enough. I set alarms in my phone, and then I shut them off because I’m busy. My husband calls me and asks me if I’ve eaten, and I usually have to answer no. It’s just the weirdest thing, why don’t I eat?

Is it because I’m a Mom? That I currently have 7 kids and have so many other things to think about? Is it because I can’t have Iced Capp’s & Nachos, so I choose nothing instead? Is it because I just suck at caring about myself? Is it any of these reasons or is it a combination of all them? I really don’t know, but I really want to fix it.

How does someone switch from putting others first to putting themselves first? How exactly does one do that?

For now, I will set alarms and I will listen to them. I will try and be more conscious of what I’m doing or not doing. I will try and wake up believing that I’m not Mom first and that it’s okay for my kids to come second sometimes. That’s where I’m going to start.

To wrap up Week Four:

I gained 1 pound. But more importantly, I saw what not eating actually does to my body.

My constant pain is almost not constant. I still tire quickly, and if I overuse my muscles, it takes them a bit to recover. But I’m not in pain all the time and that’s so stinking awesome.

In one month: I lost a total of 14 pounds, 6.5 inches, a whole lotta pain, my sugar cravings, and the fear of being able to do something this difficult.

And inside that loss, I found the beginning of something amazing. I found out things about myself that I need to change, and things that I want to let go of completely. I found out that even though I live an amazing life, I deserve more and so does my family. That content isn’t good enough anymore.

Guess it’s time to put on my own life preserver before trying to save anyone else.

 

 

  • JOIN ME.  I’m SO thankful for my coach, Suhas and his team at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share. They’ve also graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. I’d LOVE to have some company and a listening ear for the not so good days that I’m sure will eventually show up. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

Week Three & Not Eating Enough

Week Three is in the bag, and I’m still feeling strong and motivated. I’m staying on track and I’m not cheating BUT I have hit my first stumbling block, and I need to change it now.

I’m not eating enough. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still eating lots, but I’m not eating my daily required amounts of veggies. Mostly because I’m lazy, and I just don’t take the time to prepare. That and I’m not all that creative, or all that happy being in the kitchen. I actually have a tonne of good excuses, but frankly, that’s all they are. Excuses.

On Ideal Protein, I can eat as much lettuce as I want, so I eat a minimum of 2 big salads/day. What I also need to do is eat 2 cups of other veggies at lunch and then again at supper. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but ……. I find myself eating the same things, and I need variety. I don’t want to get bored or sad about what I’m eating, and what I’m no longer eating. This needs to be my forever way of eating, and not something that’s “just for now” while I lose weight.

So friends, who wants to help me? I need some food prep buddies, someone with some creativity and a willingness to put up with someone who is miserable in the kitchen. There’s quite a few veggies that I can’t eat, but there’s a TONNE of things I can. If you’ve got some great recipes or ideas, send them my way. I don’t like many veggies, but I’m willing to try new ones, once anyways. LOL. Also bear in mind, I can’t have any high sugar veggies and no dairy, but I still have a massive list of stuff to choose from. Who’s up for the challenge & wants to help me get out of my own way? I need you or you’s.

In spite of my sorta fail this week, I’m still getting better. Here’s what Week Three brought me and what went away.

~ People are starting to see changes & have commented that I look good. (Hello people, I always look good. Duh). 😉

~ I’m feeling different, as in my body and my skin move differently and I feel like a different person      inside my body. As usual, I’ll just say it’s all weird.

~ My clothes are fitting better. Not a new size, but fitting better.

~ The shooting pains in my arms and legs that I’ve been experiencing for the past couple of years          have basically stopped.

~ I lost 1.2 lbs and 2 more inches. Not lots, but I don’t care. Woot, Woot.

Now to give up the excuses and get myself into the kitchen. Gah.

 

 

 

  • JOIN ME.  I’m SO thankful for my coach, Suhas and his team at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share. They’ve also graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. I’d LOVE to have some company and a listening ear for the not so good days that I’m sure will eventually show up. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

 

Thanks Coach.

Today I had one of those moments that confirmed that I was on this journey with the right people, and I wanted to share.

I still spend a lot of time at the doctors office or in an emergency room as I’m still recovering from my 2 years of awful. I get checked out, prodded, poked, weighed and measured more times in one month than most people do in a year. Because of all those situations, I get told, A LOT, that I need to lose weight because that will miraculously make everything better. FYI. That’s a bunch of hooey & is nothing more than a canned response that is given to anyone that’s even slightly overweight. Which is wrong. (And yes I have the CT scans, Ultrasounds, MRI’s, and transfusion cards to dispute that “fat girl” diagnosis). But, I digress …..

Today, I had one of my regular appointments and I was actually congratulated by my doctor for making my decision to start Ideal Protein. He let me know that my Coach had sent him my lab work, along with a list of things that he was watching while I was on the program. He was impressed that he had been included, and looked forward to helping me on this journey, alongside my coach. He was excited that I was eating lots of good healthy food, and that my nutrition needs were being met and probably exceeded. He was happy to know that I wasn’t trying to starve myself and wasn’t just living on shakes. And most of all, he was pleased that I was being monitored and guided on this journey.

For me, it was nice being at a doctor’s appointment and not being made to feel fat and stupid as this isn’t about me losing weight. This is about me finding life and finding the right people to help me achieve just that. Life.

Thanks Coach for being on my team. And for taking me and my well being so seriously. I am grateful.

*I totally know that this sounds like an advertisement, but it isn’t. I am truly thankful to have a health professional that actually gives a rip about me, and if you knew what these last 2 years have done to me, you’d get it.  🙂  My Coach is Suhas who works alongside his team at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. If you want to join me, you can reach out to the Coach here.