Today, I am broken and in the middle of a story that I will never share. It is private and runs deep but it consumes me and all that I am and all that I am about.
I am stuck in a place that I cannot fix and I cannot change. I have tried and tried and this time is coming to end. It’s a horrible feeling that makes me want to throw up, but somewhere in the back of that horrific feeling, I feel something that feels a little bit like relief. Relief mixed with sadness, or something like that. I don’t know.
I feel like a tightness that has been consuming me, is starting to loosen it’s grip. I feel like this isn’t the most worst thing ever, but is somewhere in the middle. It’s SO not good, but maybe, just maybe it isn’t so bad. Every moment, I “feel” a little bit less, and I think that’s a good thing. But then I know it isn’t.
I hate not winning especially when it means that I’m losing …. is this losing? Or is this winning? Bah.
Why is life so incredibly tough sometimes? And unfair. And difficult. And crappy.
Have you ever been in this same place? A place where no answer is right, and no matter what happens, there’s going to be a hole. When you close your eyes, you’d like to just be able to sleep for a little bit, and then wake up and have it all done and over with. A place where your heart has way more power than your brain, and your heart is wrong. When you question every word, and every decision you’ve ever spoken or made in your current situation. When you want to sit down and cry, not because you’re sad or mad or really anything, but just because. In the middle of a story where the ending is wrong, or a chapter seems to have been forgotten. This is a horrific place to be, and I really wish I knew why it was happening. I hate not knowing.
BUT thankfully, there are some things that I do know.
I know that every day and every moment serves a purpose.
I know that this story isn’t over, that the ending may be different, but the story will continue.
I know that I have done all that I could, and have to let myself trust that.
I know that tomorrow or the next week, I will be blessed with new challenges and situations and that today will make be better equipped to deal with them.
I know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at this very moment.
I know that I’m going to be okay, and that my journey isn’t over.
If you’re stuck in a similar boat as me, hang in there. Not all things can be predicted or controlled, and sometimes, we just have to float.
So grab a paddle and a life jacket and join me. Maybe this little canoe will take us somewhere fancy … like a beach or a mall or somewhere that has naps.
Wherever it is … there’s going to be waves. Hang on friends, hang on.