Tag Archives: skinny

Week Nine: Hard to look ahead when you have No Vision

This week has been a very interesting one for me. As usual, I’m still struggling with eating enough and have missed a few meals this week. I really truly have no idea how I do it, I get busy and then forget to eat. My intentions are good but my ability to follow through totally sucks.

BUT, I’m still trying and I’m still going. My coach is a very helpful and encouraging voice and he always reminds me why I’m doing this. It truly is an awesome thing knowing that someone has your back and wants you to succeed. I also need someone giving me heck and calling me out on my lack of focus, which he does. So going into week ten, my goal is to not get myself in trouble, which means I have to eat, properly and on time. (Why is this so stinking hard for me anyways????). I know I can do this. Right??

What made this week interesting though was the “Make a Vision Board” party I attended. Which is where I realized that I have no vision for myself. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I like and I don’t know where I’m going. It truly was the weirdest thing. I was surrounded by people that had a plan or an idea of what they wanted, and then there was me. Who the heck am I and where exactly am I going?

I think I used to be fun, but at some point, things changed. I played ringette for years, and I was pretty good. I coached ringette and played softball. I liked to travel, I loved going out and being social. I went for walks, enjoyed going to the movies and concerts. But now, I have no desire to really do anything. I have zero sense of adventure, almost to the point where trying new things is more scary than appealing. I’ve become a creature of habit and do the exact same things over and over, and I’ve pretty much been okay with that, but maybe now it’s time for me to change that.

I became a Mom, I got sick,and then I was given the gift of chronic pain. I was the fat girl, who’s only real goal was to get skinny. It was the most obvious thing to make a resolution about, or to try and change because well, that’s what fat people should do. Get skinny. The other parts of me completely went away, and I became something new. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel deprived or like I’m missing out on anything, because I don’t. I love my life, my kids and my husband. But I think I’ve become too okay with just being content and blah. I need to have goals that are bigger than losing weight and stop eating sugar. I need to want more. I need to do more.

Which brings me to my vision board. It’s a work in progress, but I managed to kinda sorta make something. I found things I love, like rainbows, and some great quotes. I found some things that I need to work on, such as putting down my phone and remembering that I’m stronger than I think. I also found a pic of vegetables and the word protein because well, that’s pretty self-explanatory. It’s not really a vision persay, but it’s a jumping off point. I need to find myself again.

 

 

I am a most excellent mother, a good friend and a decent wife. But I’m more than that, I just need to figure out what that looks like. It began 9 weeks ago, but I’m starting to get glimpses of the new me. A bit smaller, a lot healthier and on my way.

Week Nine has been about gifts, and this is what it gave me:

A glimpse into my future and a little bit of vision.

A great knock-off version of my beloved Iced Capp that I created with my Ideal Protein cappuccino Shake, a schwack of ice and some coffee. It’s not the same, because seriously, how does one improve on the perfection that is Tim Hortons, but it is filling a void.

I left my house, put on socks, wore some community shoes and joined a fun ladies bowling team. I am now a QueenPin that has absolutely zero bowling skills, and a really nice bowling shirt.

And pants that are a size smaller. Yes, I bought new pants.  🙂

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  I could really use a weight loss buddy.  I have an excellent coach & team The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’ve graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

Week Eight and Losing Faith

This has been a really discouraging week for me.

I allowed myself to focus on the numbers on the scale as opposed to measuring my success by the way I felt. I’ve never really cared about what I weighed or what I looked like, but now all of the sudden, I was focusing on that. The size of my jeans is effecting the state of mind.

When I look at how far I need to go to get to a healthy weight, it’s terrifying, and frankly, how in the heck is this going to even happen? And how long will it actually take? And am I totally setting myself to fail at this for the gazillionith time? Will my outside ever match my inside? Can I do this?

In my head, I know that the changes and the improvements that I’m feeling are massive, but why are they falling to the wayside? Why am I thinking about number of pounds lost as opposed to how little pain I am in now? How have I forgotten about my how much clearer my head is and how much better I feel in general? How does something that I’ve never really cared all that much about have this much power in my head? Why does this need to happen?

It took me almost 45 years to get to the place I am, and even though part of me knows that my world can’t change overnight, I still want that. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see that I am done. I want to be able to eat whatever I want, wear whatever I want and not have to constantly think about all of the ways I’ve screwed up or how I’ve failed. I want to just be a normal person that no one looks at and judges because of the size I am or the foods that I’m putting in my mouth. I want to not be where I am physically. I want to think about something else.

This is a horrible place to be. A stinking, rotten, mind messing up, place to be.

At least it was. Thankfully, I managed to wake up and after about 5 days of nonsense, I remembered what I’m really working towards. It’s not about a size. It’s not about a reflection in a mirror. And it most certainly isn’t about a number on a scale.

It’s about life. And not living the one that I’ve been trapped in for the last few years. It’s about fixing something that I’ve broken. And obviously, I’ve got to start working on my brain and reminding it of what this is truly about.

It’s not about skinny. It’s about losing myself and finding me. In spite of the numbers.

Week Eight gave me this:

5 days of mental torment and disbelief.

A reminder of why I’m doing this and where I’m going.

And leggings. I wore leggings in public, which I’m still not convinced is the right choice for a fat girl, but it was either that or the super large lumberjack pants. No one laughed at me, so I’m calling that a win.

No weigh-in this week though as I picked up the plague from one of the 7, and am languishing on the couch with throat drops and Advil which frankly, I’m looking at as a gift. This was not the week to step on a scale.

As I move forward, I acknowledge that I don’t have to be strong and perfect all the time. Instead, I need to just be okay. And happy. And kind to myself. The rest of it is just cake. Or at least one day, it will be.  🙂

 

 

  • WANT TO JOIN ME? I have an excellent coach & team The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share, and I could use a weight loss buddy. They’ve graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

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Week Five. Ankles & Impossibilities

After being in 2 car accidents within 6 months, I was diagnosed with Trauma-Induced Fibromyalgia 2 years ago. Since then, I’ve been swollen, inflamed and in pain. My hands, my wrist and my ankles have been constantly “puffy” for lack of a better word. It has sucked.

But since I’ve started Ideal Protein, the swelling and the pain have decreased dramatically. Dramatically. And now, I have ankles. I guess they were always there, but I can now see them and they’re just not a swollen mass at the bottom of my leg.

It’s not a big deal, but it’s something. It’s a reminder that I’m actually getting somewhere and that I’m getting better. These past 2 weeks have been hard, so looking down and seeing my ankle is exactly what I needed to see.

I made a commitment to follow this plan and make this my year, and I still mean it. I also know, without a doubt that I will finish what I’ve started. But this week, it’s been hard remembering that.

This has been a week of me seeing this massive goal that I’ve set for myself, and I’ve questioned my ability to power through it. And if I’m actually insane to think that it’s even possible. Is it actually an impossible task?

I’ve been overweight my entire life and unhealthy for almost as long, so it’s really hard for me to imagine myself as anything other than who I am now. It’s hard to envision something and stay focused on it when you’ve never seen or felt it before. I’m reaching for something that has never existed in my world. It’s a strange feeling.

I’m at the beginning of a seemingly impossible and ridiculously hard journey, but I’m still on it. I’m still going. And in spite of all my messed up and crazy thinking, I have ankles. That is good enough. For now.

Week Five Wrap-Up:

  • I’ve got no results to share with you as I went on vacation instead of getting weighed-in. 🙂
  • Swelling is still going down.
  • Almost everyone is now commenting that I look better. Not skinnier, but better. Which I like.
  • I haven’t quit. I haven’t given up. I am still here.
  • Impossible? We shall see.

 

 

  • PLEASE JOIN ME. I can always use a buddy that’s in this with me. I’ve got an excellent coach in Suhas and his team at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share. They’ve also graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

Week Two. I hate celery.

I don’t understand celery. It’s a whole lotta chewing. And it’s stringy. But it’s green and I don’t have to cook it, so I guess I’ll keep eating it.

I wish it tasted like bread. Bread with cheddar cheese on it. That would be the perfect celery.

Sigh.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’m actually doing really good. This journey isn’t easy by any means, but I’m totally staying on plan and feel really good about my decision to start. I truly never thought that I’d be this okay with giving so much up, and yet here I am. Really okay.

I won’t lie to you and say that I don’t think about my favourite things, like Iced Capps, and Nachos, and Bread. But now when I think about them, they don’t consume me anymore. My faves have just become thoughts in the back of my mind as opposed to “needs”. It’s still weird to me that I’ve come to this place, really weird actually, but it’s cool knowing that I’ve actually got the willpower to change my life. Who knew?

I’d love to say that I could’ve done all of this on my own, without using special products, or having a coach, but for the first time in my life, I’m being honest. I’m my own worst enemy, and I need help. Lots of it. I absolutely love Ideal Protein. It works so well with my busy, crazy world and I really needed that. I needed a Helper that gets me, and this one does.  😉

So as week two wraps up, here’s what’s gone down.

My insatiable thirst has completely eased off. If you know me personally, you know that I am always thirsty, and drink water non-stop. That is pretty much gone. Now I drink water because it’s good, and not because I feel like I may die without it.

I’m tired at night. And not at 2am but 10pm. I’ve never had this much sleep before, and as nice as it is, it’s really messing up my “work day”. Know how much I accomplished between Midnight and 2am??? LOL.

I’m down 14.2 lbs and 4.5 inches.

Maybe celery isn’t so bad after all.

 

  • JOIN ME.  I’m SO thankful for my coach, Suhas and his team at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share. They’ve also graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. I’d LOVE to have some company and a listening ear for the not so good days that I’m sure will eventually show up. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

 

2017: The year of Losing, Living and Winning

You know that day when you wake up and you’re just done. That day when you look in the mirror, and stare yourself straight in the face and know that you have come to the end of yourself. That you have finally found a stopping place?

I don’t want to call it hitting rock bottom because that just sounds like a horrible place to be. And frankly, who wants to admit that rock bottom is where they’ve found themselves?

But today I’m admitting to all of you that I am that person. I am in that place, I am done, and I am at rock bottom.

My body is failing me, or maybe I should say that I’VE been seriously failing my body.

I’ve been overweight my entire life. I’ve been in pain for more years than I’d like to admit. I’m currently the fattest person in the world to actually suffer from malnutrition. I’ve bled – almost to death, I have chronic and almost debilitating sinus issues, I get headaches – a lot of headaches and I now enjoy panic attacks in reaction to my levels of pain & the ways my body is acting. I am physically a broken mess.

Where I’ve failed my body is that I have done basically nothing to try to make things better. I’ve just come to accept that this is where I’m at, and I just live with it. I’ve seen great doctors, specialists and all kinds of fabulous professionals. They’ve given me great advice, and have explained to me what’s going on in my body. They’ve given me pills and supplements and plans to follow. All have worked on some level, but will never really “fix” what’s wrong with me.

Reason being … it’s me. I have to change me.

I am a most excellent caregiver and can take great care of all those around me. I’m sensitive to others feelings and find ways to encourage and lift them up when they need it most. Helping others is what feeds my soul, it’s what makes me, me. Unfortunately, I get so caught up in putting everyone else first, that i completely forget about myself. I haven’t done it on purpose, I’ve literally forgotten & lost myself.

And if we’re being truly honest, I’ve got food issues. Not just the standard, binge eating and sugar seeking, which I’ve got but weird ones too. I hate cooking, so if I don’t have to cook for my family, I don’t do it, which means if I’m at home alone, I don’t eat. Unless it’s something like toast or cookies, because that’s not really cooking. If I go out, I’ll buy fast food, because well, I don’t have to cook it. Food prep is like cooking, and most healthy food needs some version of prepping, so again I choose not eating or I choose to eat garbage. If I go on a diet, I usually choose not eating because I can’t eat what I really want. It’s warped and messed up but I can very easily go 18-20 hours without eating anything, many days/week. I am basically, unintentionally starving myself, and that is what is keeping me fat. My body is screaming for healthy food, vegetables, protein, and eating on a regular basis and I just can’t seem to make myself get in the kitchen or even really care.

I am 100% without question, my own worst enemy.

But today, I am doing something about that. I’ve finally admitted AND accepted that I can’t do this on my own, so I’ve asked for help. Today is the day that I’m starting the Ideal Protein diet, and completely changing everything about myself. I have a great coach that is focused on helping me become the best version of myself, and not someone who is always sick and always in pain. For that, I’m thankful.

Funny thing is, I’m not doing this to lose weight per-say. That’s obviously a part of why I’m starting, but it’s more about me getting healthy. It’s about following a plan that will make me eat like a normal person, and not only toast at midnight. It will make me aware of the food that I’m putting into my mouth and will help me focus on nutrition as opposed to just eating when I’m almost starving. With the help of my coach and the team of people who love me, this plan will help me check back into my life and my choices. It’s all laid out and easy for me to follow, and I like that. For now, I need easy while I relearn how to eat, and how to put me first. I’m excited.

I will be the first person to admit that it’s kind of weird to be going on a ‘diet’ without the main focus being on weight loss, but that works for me. I’m a very happy fat person, and fat isn’t who I am. What I am no longer happy about is being broken. It’s time to make a change so I can get out of this fog of pain and uncomfortable-ness.

I’ve made a commitment to myself, my husband, my family and my coach that 2017 is the year that I will finally make a difference in my own life. That I will stop getting in my own way. That I will take the advice and the help that is offered to me. That I will choose me first, more often than not. That I will get out of my comfort zone and try new things. That I will stop being okay with not being okay.

This blog will serve as my accountability tool. It will be my way of checking in and reminding myself of all the good that will come out of this journey. It will be my place to be honest, and angry, and happy, and sad and all of those great things.

It will be my story, and hopefully a little bit of yours too.

So, what do I need from you as my people? Please understand that this next year is about me making good choices. I’m not going to eat your chips and your cake. I’m not going to “have just one”, and start again the next day. No Iced Capps. No Lattes. Please respect me, please help me, and please be okay with the decisions that I’m making for myself. Please be on my side and know that even writing this out has been incredibly hard to do as I know that I can no longer hide. This is it friends, this is the beginning of a grand adventure.

For the next 337 days, I will be losing, living, winning and sharing it all with you.

I can’t wait to see where this year takes us.

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The Road to Skinny … Or Not.

The beginning of a new year brings about the desire for change. It pushes us to think about what we want that is better than what we currently have. It seems to make our eyes focus on all that is wrong with us, and not necessarily all that’s right. It’s the time of year that people seem to think and/or hope will set off this huge firecracker under their butts and in their minds that will cause them to jump up and change. It’s a fresh start and a new beginning.

For me, the new year forces me to focus on my never-ending trek towards “skinny”.  It’s this thing that follows me everywhere I go. It’s the thing I cannot seem to conquer. It’s quite literally the very large elephant in the room that just won’t die, no matter how hard I try. Or maybe not.

If I were to be totally honest, I don’t think I’ve ever cared enough to really want to change it. I’ve got a couple of months worth of willpower, and about 47 seconds of desire. I’ve got all the knowledge in the world, and an incredible team of people willing to support and help me, but somehow I’m also good with where I’m at. I’ve got a massive desire to shop in any store, and not just the stupid chubby girl shops, but for some reason, I’m okay with not trying all that hard to change.

I’m Fat and Happy, and I don’t think this is how I’m supposed to feel.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be 6 sizes smaller. I’d like to be able to walk around the block without wanting to die. I like the idea of wearing shorts when it’s hot – no I NEVER wear shorts. I’d like to have more energy. I’d like my knees to not hurt. I’d love to sit outside in the summer and not want to die because I’m SO hot, which is a problem because as you know, I don’t wear shorts and fat people have a whole lotta extra insulation. I’d like to not have people give me the classic fat girl compliment, “You’ve got such a pretty face”, to me. Ever. Again. I’d like to be able to touch my toes, for no other reason to say that I can. I want to just take up less space.

So … where does that leave me? The Happy Fat Girl that want’s to be skinny, but doesn’t really care.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand how I truly feel about this subject, or if I’ll ever fully figure it out but I believe that it’s leading me somewhere. In some weirdo, round-a-bout backwards way, it’s taking me to what I really want and need. I want to be more focused. More centered and just more Me. I’m happy, but I want another level of happy. I want to be overflowing with Joy, so much so that it oozes from me and into the world around me. Skinny won’t accomplish that …. but I can.

2015 is going to be the Year of April. I’m going to write. I’m going to write about anything and everything and just write because I can. I’m going to spend time making my new blog fun and super successful. I’m going to move into a house that is exactly what our family needs. I’m going to fall back into mad love with my husband. I’m going to finally put all of my anxiety’s behind me, and step forward without worry about stupid things that I can not control. I’m going to focus on getting healthy and not care at all about skinny. Maybe a smaller size will follow, but whatever, I don’t care.

I’m excited about what’s to come and even more excited to figure out that my “Road to Skinny” is officially on a detour to somewhere totally different.

This road is officially leading to me.

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The Road to Skinny …. Following the Rules

Well, yesterday was my bi-weekly weigh-in and the results were pretty good.

I spent the last 2 weeks actually following all of my coaches orders. I ate, and I ate, and I ate. More food than I’ve eaten in a really long time. I took my vitamins, drank copious amounts of water and did exactly what I was supposed to do.

Overall, I felt great, outside of this evil sinus infection that just. won’t. die. I slept well, still didn’t convince myself to exercise, but I made it through another 2 weeks. Yeah Me!

I lost another 9lb’s and 6 more inches. And even better news, my body fat percentage went down which means I’m not losing lean mass, which means I’m doing the right thing for my body.

This year WILL be the final chapter in my Fat April story. I know it, I feel it and I love it.

Last week, I also joined a great little group on Facebook called Mission Slim Possible. It’s a bunch of people wanting to achieve some big goals this year – health & exercise wise. They’re all there to support and encourage and lift each other up. They’re going to inspire me to exercise … hasn’t happened yet, but it will. LOL. I did manage to download a 7 minute exercise app though, so that counts for something right?? (Yes, I’m that lazy that I count that action as exercise).

I’m grateful for their honest and open hearts, and their daily words of encouragement. Our stories are all very different but our goals are the same. We all want more. We all want better. We all want change.

Wherever you are in your “get skinny/healthy” journey, find yourself a support system somewhere. If it can’t be your spouse, find a good friend. If your friends are as unmotivated as you are, find a group of workout buddies. Just find something or someone to help you get through this adventure. If you’re in the same boat as me, the journey will be long and tough, and not one you can do on your own.

Thankfully, I’m blessed with a good husband, great friends and an awesome coach. They are the voices that push me forward and remind me of my goals. They are my gifts in this world.

Who’s your helper? Go find one. Now.

See you in 2 weeks.

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IF YOU WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS ADVENTURE, PLEASE CONTACT MY COACHES HERE. Be sure to let them know that April sent you.