Tag Archives: weightloss

Weeks 21, 22 and Losing my Will

These past 2 weeks have been really hard. Really hard.

Circumstances, pain flare-ups, situations, and moments out of my control have more or less consumed me for the past 2 weeks. In that consumption, I’ve lost sight of what I’m trying to accomplish. I’m at the place where I want to just quit, and be done, and go back to not really caring. I want to go out with my friends and eat whatever I want. I want to eat toast for breakfast.

Unfortunately, I also really want to not hurt. I want to shop in any store and pick out any clothes and put them on and have them fit me. I want to feel super comfortable in my skin and not think about how other people see me. I want to be healthy. I want all of the things that I don’t have right now.

And there-in lies the problem.

I’m done but I’m so NOT done at the same time. When I think about all of the things that I’m whining and complaining about, they’re so stupid. Boo-Hoo, I can’t have cake. I have to eat vegetables and steak and not a plate of nachos. Oh woe is me. I’m actually having a pity party for myself over the loss of sugar, and the overall feelings of crappiness that it fills me with. It makes absolutely no sense, but here I am, wallowing in it. Like an idiot.

The funny thing is, in all of this whining, I haven’t been cheating. I haven’t been eating at McDonalds or sneaking Iced Capps. I’ve just been surviving on mostly air, some water and a protein shake or two. I also had a moment, and drank 2 Diet Cokes, which resulted in 3 days of extreme bloating, joint pain and the worst headache that I’ve had in a long time. Instead of eating the bags of veggies I’ve pre-cut for myself, and the meals that I’ve got frozen in the freezer, I chose Diet Pop.

Explain that to me. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why is it so incredibly hard for me to give a rats behind about myself? Why can I look into the eyes of my children and want for them to be healthy and happy and strong? Or at my husband? Or my parents? Or my friends? Why can I see it, and feel it for everyone else but still not feel it for myself? Intellectually I get it, and I understand why it needs to happen. But I don’t “feel” it.

Or am I just being lazy and choosing the easy way through this instead of focusing on what I really need to do? 45 years of being fat, 97% really happy and fairly successful is what I know. It’s safe and it’s who I’ve always been. Do I not want it bad enough? Is that what this is? Laziness?

I don’t think it is though because if I shut my brain off and listen to my heart,  I KNOW that I really do want more of what the world has to offer. And that this body and my health is stopping me from experiencing everything. I want it, and I have flashes of feeling it, but I just can’t get it to stick. Maybe I just answered my own question though … maybe it’s about shutting my brain off, ignoring the nonsense in my head and just focusing on doing what I know I need to do – instead of waiting to feel it. Gah.

When I began this journey, it was hard but easy at the same time. I felt so incredibly awful that it was easy to grab onto something that made me feel better. But now that I feel mostly good, I’m getting lost without the obvious reminders. I never would’ve thought that it would be the middle of my story that would be the hardest part of this, but yet, here I am. Wallowing and floundering and only half way there.

I really don’t want to be taken out by the middle. That’s the best part of an Oreo and I’m going to turn it into the best part of my story too. I can do this.

What did these two weeks bring me?

  • A loss of 5 pounds last week, this week, I don’t know as I didn’t make it to my weigh-in. Sigh.
  • Almost 30″ lost now which means I need a new wardrobe, but I’m holding out a bit longer.
  • I ate jicama and turnips AND I liked them.
  • An aspartame induced three day long torture episode.
  • The packing and a move of a child out of my home.
  • The accidental but almost fatal poisoning by me – of our dog, who is absolutely fine now. Amen.
  • The discovery that I’m not doing as well as I thought I was.
  • Admitting and accepting that it’s okay to not be okay while knowing that I’m going to be more than okay in the end.
  • Calling the middle out for what it is, messy and rude.

 

**** I am still so very thrilled about being on Ideal Protein and following the plan. It’s made me more conscious of what I’m eating and/or not eating. It’s forcing me to eat for nutrition and not for convenience. I’m not struggling because of Ideal Protein, I’m struggling because of me. The Ideal Protein plan, my coach, the staff in my clinic, and the support that I’ve received have helped me in ways that I can never describe. Without them, I would’ve given up a long time ago and just fell back into my old ways. I can say, without hesitation that if you are ready to change your life & get healthy. Give this a try.  ****

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

Weeks 19 & 20 and Changing my Relationship with Food

I’ve been having a hard time writing my blog this week, as I’m struggling with the words I’m trying to say.

I went on vacation for Week 19, and overall, it was great. I mostly stayed on track, but definitely didn’t eat enough vegetables. It’s always the vegetables that slip me up, every stinking time. But, vacation was good, it was relaxing and restful, and it gave me some time to think and reflect.

When I told everyone that I was going on vacation, almost every person told me to just take the week off from my plan. To eat whatever I wanted and to just enjoy myself without worrying about food. It sounded like a good plan, and I almost considered it. BUT … I SO don’t want to go there.

I want to get to a place where food isn’t about rewards and punishments. I don’t want my week to be defined by a cheat day. Or special days. Or vacations.

My entire life has been about counting calories or completely ignoring them. It’s been feast or famine. It’s been eating when no ones watching or hiding empty package and wrappers. It’s been diet after diet, pills and programs, and all sorts of craziness.  It’s been a life controlled by bad habits and backwards thinking, and I’m over it.

I just want to get to the place where food is food and nothing more.

My goal in starting this journey has always been about feeling better. Part of feeling better is getting my brain healthier and happier and not so bogged down by all of these crappy and messed up thoughts about food. I need to be aware of what I’m thinking, but food needs to stop being the currency that I use in my daily life.

I’m looking forward to the day when I’m just able to eat without fear, and to truly “feel” that eating one cookie doesn’t give me license to just eat the entire bag, because I already screwed my diet up. I want to wake up in the morning, and just be. I’ll have breakfast, lunch, dinner and it will be mostly healthy and balanced, and maybe I’ll have a cookie or two. I’ll go to bed without being consumed by the choices of my day. That is the place I want to be in. That is my goal.

I’m not only losing myself and finding me on this journey, I’m becoming a better version of the person I already am. I really like me right now BUT I know I’m really going to like the me that’s not afraid of a piece of cake.

What did these 2 weeks give me?

  • I lost another 5 lbs and another inch or two.
  • I found some awesome recipes that follow my plan and I enjoyed a burger ON A BUN. (Well it was kind of a bun, but it worked).
  • A plan and a partner to help me finally conquer food prep and hopefully my vegetable issue.
  • I didn’t lose my bathing suit in the pool, which I was fairly confident would happen because it’s now 3 sizes too big.

 

 

CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN? As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Weeks 14 and 15, and Getting in my Own Way

The past 2 weeks have really sucked on the eating healthy to get better train. In fact, it’s pretty much been the exact opposite of that. It’s been two weeks of woe is me, I feel like crap, I look like crap and I really, really want to eat crap. Its been a two-week blip on what seems like a really, really long trip.

I’m still amazed at how easy it is for me to fall right back into old patterns. It seems to always happen the second I lose focus. Or the second I get so busy that I forget to think. Or when I decide that celery is pretty much the most awful thing and that nachos would be so much better. It’s so easy to forget.

The last month of school is absolute insanity for me as I’m in this constant state of running, and assessments and placement meetings and all sorts of craziness. It basically consumes me and in that consumption, I get stuck. I don’t eat, I live on ice water and adrenaline and hope for the best. Thankfully, this time I’ve had some healthy shakes and foods to keep me one step above starving, but as usual, I’ve put my very real needs on the back burner and just existed.

How in the world does taking the time to eat become something that you just stop doing? Is making a salad or chewing on some raw vegetables really all that big of a deal? I’ve spent the last 30 years living on toast for 2 meals a day, and now that I need to make better choices and eat healthier, it feels like food prep take FOREVER. It’s like torture. Who knew that washing lettuce and putting it in a bag would be the thing that put me over the edge?

I don’t have time to prepare food. I don’t have time to plan. I don’t have time to find the time. Now that I’m forcing myself to look at my life and my choices, I’m starting to see how much control food has had in my life. How it has always been this thing that was always there, contributing to how I looked and how I felt. It has been like it’s own living and breathing presence in my life and then I had children. At that point, my relationship with food changed. It kind of become a nothing, a “nothing” that consisted of eating whatever, whenever I wanted. Or eating nothing at all. My relationship with food has always been about extremes, and then adding the busyness of being a Mom and loving someone more than I loved myself, that extreme went out of control.

There’s a reason why women get heavier once they have children, they shift the focus from themselves and put all of it on their children. It’s what Mama’s do. It’s what Mama’s are supposed to. Food becomes something that needs to be eaten quickly and on the run. Or it’s the thing that comforts you at midnight when you’ve finally collapsed on the couch. It’s fast food, quick fixes and “whatever’s easy”. You make good healthy choices for your kids but not for yourself, because the focus has changed. How in the world does a Mom shift that focus back to herself? How do you find the balance in being a great Mom, and a great advocate for yourself? HOW DO YOU DO THAT? I just can’t figure it out. I can’t actually find the words or the willpower or the whatever it is that I’m missing to make myself a priority. I’ve heard the whole “put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else” spiel many times. And the “what good are you to anyone else if you’re not healthy” statements more times than I can count. I’ve heard them, I agree with them, but I just cannot implement them. I just can’t find the balance.

As I work through this journey of losing myself and finding me, this is the thing that continues to trip me up. It is this, not Iced Capps and cupcakes, it’s ME. And a whole lot of excuses as to why I can’t choose better and just shut-up and do better. I know what I have to do. I know that the task truly isn’t that difficult. I know that I can find the time. I know that I’m the thing that’s holding me back. Now to figure out how to get out of my own way, and to stay out if forever.

I will not be defeated by busyness and a pile of vegetables. I am so much stronger than a head of lettuce.

What did these 2 weeks bring me?

A weight gain of 3 lbs.

More inches lost and more clothes to get rid of.

The hope that I have finally found the strength to put me first.

 

 

  • I’m super thankful for my coach right now and the Ideal Protein products as they are helping me through these tough weeks, and helping me find my way back. (And for those of you wondering, I am still eating, I’m just not eating enough).               CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  As always, remember that if you that you read my blog when you head into  The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

 

 

 

Week 12 and Redefining the F-Word

Since I started this journey, I’ve been using the word Fat a lot to describe myself and the skin that I’m in. For as many times as I’ve said it, I’ve received just as many messages from friends telling me to stop calling myself that. They’ve all said that they don’t see me that way, that I’m being too hard on myself and that I should just love myself. Well, here’s my take on that.

Fat is no different than chubby or fluffy or plump or whatever other word people use when they’re trying to not use the word Fat. They all mean the same thing, some just sound prettier. I guess that I’ve heard all of these names for so many years now that I don’t really have any feelings about them and for that I’m thankful. Somewhere down the line, those negative and horrible words lost their power and became exactly what they are, just words.

The word Fat actually doesn’t define me. It never has and it never will. To me, it’s a descriptor, that’s it. Unless, you judge me based solely on my weight, then we’ve got a problem. You may remember this rant from a couple of years ago when I said something about the “look at the fat lady” jerky people. The difference lies in the delivery. The word Fat isn’t the issue, it’s the sentiment behind it. Talk to me and not about me, and you’ll quickly realize that fat isn’t who I am.

SO to my friends and the world in general, I ask this of you. When you look at me, it’s okay to see me as someone that is fat. But I hope you also see me and every other overweight person in the world as much more than that. Fat doesn’t even begin to describe a person’s character, their value or their story. Please don’t ever forget that and please for the love of all things, stop giving crap words so much power. We are all the same, just packaged differently.

My reality is this: I am fat. One day, I won’t be. I’m also tall, have really big feet, brown and reddish hair that is almost never brushed, and blue-ish green-ish eyes. I’m also gorgeous and hilarious, and pretty close to perfect. 🙂 Fat may be the most obvious thing that you see but let me tell you, that’s only the surface. My insides are much bigger and much more fabulous than you can even begin to grasp.

What you see as negative, I see as me. And I like me just fine.

What did week 12 bring me? 

A little bit more self-awareness and a deeper understanding of myself.

I ate asparagus and I didn’t die.

A waist-line. Who knew?

More inches lost, more pounds gone. A little bit less fat.

 

 

 

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into  The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

 

Week Eleven, and Nothing to Say

The best thing about this post is that I really have nothing to say.

I am doing good. I’m finding my groove and I feel like I’m winning this battle.

This week wasn’t any harder than usual but it wasn’t easier. It was just another week, and frankly, that feels pretty good.

I don’t recall ever really feeling this in control before. If I forget to eat, or miss my vitamins or don’t finish all my water, I no longer feel a sense of defeat. I don’t feel like spending the rest of the day eating cookies and drinking pop. The desire to just pack it in and give up seems to have left me. I hope it stays away.

The week of nothing. Best week ever.

Week Eleven gave me these things:

~ More inches gone, and 3.5 more pounds have hit the road.

~ 3 people joined my team of Losers and I’m so excited to help them on their journey.

~ I found a new place to meet my friends for lunch, and for anyone that is trying to cut out sugar and bad fats knows, that is hard to find. Who knew Safeway & their fancy new salad bar and eating area would become my new hot spot? Lunch date anyone?

~ I tried some new Ideal Protein products this week and have found a new fave. Mushroom and Parmesan Couscous Risotto is delish, and is a perfect addition to my big lunch salad.

~ I had to buy new underwear, cause mine were falling off. Big ol’ panties that slide down under your butt when you walk, is not a good thing.  🙂

 

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  There’s still lots of room on my team. I have an excellent coach & team The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’ve graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

Week 10: Are you on my team or not?

This has been a hard week. But not hard for me per-say, but hard for everyone else.

It’s taken 2.5 months, but people’s opinions and worries and ideas about me following this plan have reared their ugly heads. I am doing just fine, but the people around me are not. THAT is what makes being on a diet or following a health plan difficult, the people around the person trying.

Let me make something very clear. If you are trying to lose weight by eating healthy and going to the gym, it’s no easy task. If you choose to take herbal supplements and shakes, it’s still very hard. If you choose the surgical route to lose weight, it’s not a cop-out nor does the weight just fall off.  If you choose to follow the plan that I’m on, it is not easy. This is work, it is REALLY hard work.

Changing every single thing about yourself and being cognizant of every piece of food that goes into your mouth, is not easy. Readjusting your social life so it fits into your plan and your new way of thinking is not fun as everyone is mad that you can’t go out like you used to. Putting yourself first instead of friends and family is crazy hard, and someone almost always feels hurt or left out. Staying on track and not just giving in when your goal seems so far away, is incredibly hard on the heart and the brain.

Losing weight and getting healthy is NO JOKE people. It is stinking hard. Food is about so much more than sustenance, it is social, it is the thing that brings families together and unites different groups of people. And that is the first thing that we have to readjust or give up. Food.

No matter how someone chooses to change their lives, someone else is always going to question it. Someone is always going to say that it’s unhealthy, or that they’re cheating by using special products or they just sit there in judgement waiting for them to fail. It’s so NOT okay and it does nothing but make this already incredibly difficult journey even harder.

Funny thing is, no one was all that vocal or concerned when I was just fat and unhealthy, but now they’ve got something to say. Now that I’m eating healthier than I ever have, now that I’m focusing on myself, now that I’m actually feeling better than I have in years, people are yip-yapping all over the place.

If you’re truly concerned about your “friend” and the plan they’re on, ask some questions and stop making assumptions. Ask them if they need help, or want to go for a walk, or just need to vent and talk about how they’re feeling. Most importantly, be proud of them, be supportive and just be present.

And please recognize that BIG changes take BIG changes. You may not fully understand what I’m going through, and that’s totally fine. But please understand that I have to change everything to make things better going forward. I’m very overweight, very unhealthy and just drinking less juice isn’t going to change a darned thing in my life. I have to take the hard way to reach my goals and if you’re on my team, you need to accept that and love me through it. If you can’t, you’re really not on my team.

The majority of the people on a diet are struggling. They’ve come to the end of themselves and are standing at the base of an incredibly high mountain. They need support and love, not more judgement and belittlement. It is going to take a lot of time, a lot of perseverance and a lot of work to get to the top of that mountain.

As their friend, either push, pull or get out of the way.

Week 10 brought me this: A tonne of gossip, a severe sinus infection, a crazy allergic reaction and a loss of 5.5 lbs. It has been a very colourful and interesting week. LOL. BUT I am still winning so BOOM.

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  I could really use a weight loss buddy.  I have an excellent coach & team The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’ve graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

 

Week Nine: Hard to look ahead when you have No Vision

This week has been a very interesting one for me. As usual, I’m still struggling with eating enough and have missed a few meals this week. I really truly have no idea how I do it, I get busy and then forget to eat. My intentions are good but my ability to follow through totally sucks.

BUT, I’m still trying and I’m still going. My coach is a very helpful and encouraging voice and he always reminds me why I’m doing this. It truly is an awesome thing knowing that someone has your back and wants you to succeed. I also need someone giving me heck and calling me out on my lack of focus, which he does. So going into week ten, my goal is to not get myself in trouble, which means I have to eat, properly and on time. (Why is this so stinking hard for me anyways????). I know I can do this. Right??

What made this week interesting though was the “Make a Vision Board” party I attended. Which is where I realized that I have no vision for myself. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I like and I don’t know where I’m going. It truly was the weirdest thing. I was surrounded by people that had a plan or an idea of what they wanted, and then there was me. Who the heck am I and where exactly am I going?

I think I used to be fun, but at some point, things changed. I played ringette for years, and I was pretty good. I coached ringette and played softball. I liked to travel, I loved going out and being social. I went for walks, enjoyed going to the movies and concerts. But now, I have no desire to really do anything. I have zero sense of adventure, almost to the point where trying new things is more scary than appealing. I’ve become a creature of habit and do the exact same things over and over, and I’ve pretty much been okay with that, but maybe now it’s time for me to change that.

I became a Mom, I got sick,and then I was given the gift of chronic pain. I was the fat girl, who’s only real goal was to get skinny. It was the most obvious thing to make a resolution about, or to try and change because well, that’s what fat people should do. Get skinny. The other parts of me completely went away, and I became something new. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel deprived or like I’m missing out on anything, because I don’t. I love my life, my kids and my husband. But I think I’ve become too okay with just being content and blah. I need to have goals that are bigger than losing weight and stop eating sugar. I need to want more. I need to do more.

Which brings me to my vision board. It’s a work in progress, but I managed to kinda sorta make something. I found things I love, like rainbows, and some great quotes. I found some things that I need to work on, such as putting down my phone and remembering that I’m stronger than I think. I also found a pic of vegetables and the word protein because well, that’s pretty self-explanatory. It’s not really a vision persay, but it’s a jumping off point. I need to find myself again.

 

 

I am a most excellent mother, a good friend and a decent wife. But I’m more than that, I just need to figure out what that looks like. It began 9 weeks ago, but I’m starting to get glimpses of the new me. A bit smaller, a lot healthier and on my way.

Week Nine has been about gifts, and this is what it gave me:

A glimpse into my future and a little bit of vision.

A great knock-off version of my beloved Iced Capp that I created with my Ideal Protein cappuccino Shake, a schwack of ice and some coffee. It’s not the same, because seriously, how does one improve on the perfection that is Tim Hortons, but it is filling a void.

I left my house, put on socks, wore some community shoes and joined a fun ladies bowling team. I am now a QueenPin that has absolutely zero bowling skills, and a really nice bowling shirt.

And pants that are a size smaller. Yes, I bought new pants.  🙂

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  I could really use a weight loss buddy.  I have an excellent coach & team The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’ve graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.