Tag Archives: weightloss

Week Eight and Losing Faith

This has been a really discouraging week for me.

I allowed myself to focus on the numbers on the scale as opposed to measuring my success by the way I felt. I’ve never really cared about what I weighed or what I looked like, but now all of the sudden, I was focusing on that. The size of my jeans is effecting the state of mind.

When I look at how far I need to go to get to a healthy weight, it’s terrifying, and frankly, how in the heck is this going to even happen? And how long will it actually take? And am I totally setting myself to fail at this for the gazillionith time? Will my outside ever match my inside? Can I do this?

In my head, I know that the changes and the improvements that I’m feeling are massive, but why are they falling to the wayside? Why am I thinking about number of pounds lost as opposed to how little pain I am in now? How have I forgotten about my how much clearer my head is and how much better I feel in general? How does something that I’ve never really cared all that much about have this much power in my head? Why does this need to happen?

It took me almost 45 years to get to the place I am, and even though part of me knows that my world can’t change overnight, I still want that. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see that I am done. I want to be able to eat whatever I want, wear whatever I want and not have to constantly think about all of the ways I’ve screwed up or how I’ve failed. I want to just be a normal person that no one looks at and judges because of the size I am or the foods that I’m putting in my mouth. I want to not be where I am physically. I want to think about something else.

This is a horrible place to be. A stinking, rotten, mind messing up, place to be.

At least it was. Thankfully, I managed to wake up and after about 5 days of nonsense, I remembered what I’m really working towards. It’s not about a size. It’s not about a reflection in a mirror. And it most certainly isn’t about a number on a scale.

It’s about life. And not living the one that I’ve been trapped in for the last few years. It’s about fixing something that I’ve broken. And obviously, I’ve got to start working on my brain and reminding it of what this is truly about.

It’s not about skinny. It’s about losing myself and finding me. In spite of the numbers.

Week Eight gave me this:

5 days of mental torment and disbelief.

A reminder of why I’m doing this and where I’m going.

And leggings. I wore leggings in public, which I’m still not convinced is the right choice for a fat girl, but it was either that or the super large lumberjack pants. No one laughed at me, so I’m calling that a win.

No weigh-in this week though as I picked up the plague from one of the 7, and am languishing on the couch with throat drops and Advil which frankly, I’m looking at as a gift. This was not the week to step on a scale.

As I move forward, I acknowledge that I don’t have to be strong and perfect all the time. Instead, I need to just be okay. And happy. And kind to myself. The rest of it is just cake. Or at least one day, it will be.  🙂

 

 

  • WANT TO JOIN ME? I have an excellent coach & team The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share, and I could use a weight loss buddy. They’ve graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

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Week Four and Lessons Learned

Today wrapped up Week 4 in my new and exciting journey. It wasn’t a super great week for me, and it didn’t end as I hoped it would. But it did end, and it’s reminded me of exactly why I started this journey in the first place.

It’s Me. I fail miserably at taking care of myself, and I’ve got to figure out a way to change that. Change my brain. Change the way that I think about myself. Change from being number 42 on the importance scale to at least a 2 or 3.

I’m still totally enjoying Ideal Protein and the program. I love that it’s simple and straightforward, and that I don’t have to be some Masterchef to follow the plan closely. I haven’t cheated. I’m not craving sugar like a maniac. I’m not eating just to eat. I’m doing good for the most part.

Where I’m failing, is that I’m falling back into a pattern of not eating. I get busy, and distracted and I just don’t eat. 2 days this week, I literally ate nothing until 6:30pm, and even then, it wasn’t enough. I set alarms in my phone, and then I shut them off because I’m busy. My husband calls me and asks me if I’ve eaten, and I usually have to answer no. It’s just the weirdest thing, why don’t I eat?

Is it because I’m a Mom? That I currently have 7 kids and have so many other things to think about? Is it because I can’t have Iced Capp’s & Nachos, so I choose nothing instead? Is it because I just suck at caring about myself? Is it any of these reasons or is it a combination of all them? I really don’t know, but I really want to fix it.

How does someone switch from putting others first to putting themselves first? How exactly does one do that?

For now, I will set alarms and I will listen to them. I will try and be more conscious of what I’m doing or not doing. I will try and wake up believing that I’m not Mom first and that it’s okay for my kids to come second sometimes. That’s where I’m going to start.

To wrap up Week Four:

I gained 1 pound. But more importantly, I saw what not eating actually does to my body.

My constant pain is almost not constant. I still tire quickly, and if I overuse my muscles, it takes them a bit to recover. But I’m not in pain all the time and that’s so stinking awesome.

In one month: I lost a total of 14 pounds, 6.5 inches, a whole lotta pain, my sugar cravings, and the fear of being able to do something this difficult.

And inside that loss, I found the beginning of something amazing. I found out things about myself that I need to change, and things that I want to let go of completely. I found out that even though I live an amazing life, I deserve more and so does my family. That content isn’t good enough anymore.

Guess it’s time to put on my own life preserver before trying to save anyone else.

 

 

  • JOIN ME.  I’m SO thankful for my coach, Suhas and his team at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share. They’ve also graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. I’d LOVE to have some company and a listening ear for the not so good days that I’m sure will eventually show up. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

Winning at Week One

Well, my first week of Ideal Protein life has come to a close.

It went a whole lot better than I thought it would, a lot better. It’s amazing how much easier it is to be on a diet, without actually caring about how much weight you lose. There’s a weird freedom in that, a nice breathable kind of freedom.

When I look back on the week, the hardest thing about it was all the eating. For the first time, in a really long time, I made myself conscious of the choices I was making. I was eating on a schedule. I was satisfied when I was done and I felt hungry at the appropriate times. I wasn’t being controlled by food, I was controlling it. And frankly, it was kind of cool.

Day 3 & Day 4 were the days of massive headache. Apparently the body gets riled up and angry for a bit when you take away its crappy fuel source, and it starts burning its own fat stores. It wasn’t pretty, but some Advil, some salt and some electrolyte drinks later… I survived.

Day 5, I woke up and the inflammation in my hands was noticeably decreased. For anyone that knows me, they know that my hands hurt constantly, they swell, and I can’t overuse them or they just don’t work. I never would’ve thought that 5 days of nothing but good clean food, and no sugar would make such a difference in that particular area. Didn’t expect it, but I sure as heck appreciate it.

Day 6. I felt awake. Not the “I feel so tired” but now am awake kind of awake, but the kind where a fog has lifted and I can see.

Day 7.  Well it was just another day, and how awesome is that? I wasn’t focused on anything negative. It was just me, my veggies, my protein packs and it was a Monday. Who ever feels good on a Monday?

I really, truly didn’t feel like I was missing out on something this week. I didn’t feel like my life was ending because I couldn’t have an Iced Capp. I didn’t feel like I couldn’t do this. I felt like I was finally on my way to feeling better.

And now as I sit down to write about it, I’m actually having a really hard time finding the words to describe this past week, as my brain & my heart seem to have shifted. Shifted into a place or an attitude or a thought process that it’s never experienced before. I guess that drop into Rock Bottom turned something on. Or off. Whatever it did, I like it.

I’m super excited to see what the rest of 2017 brings. I’ve taken before pictures, weights and measurements and will share them some day. But not today.

For today, I give you this. My results from Week One. I’ve got less overall pain, less inflammation, a much brighter outlook, and I weigh 12.2 lbs less. I call that a good start to a good thing.

Week One. Win.

  • I’m SO thankful for my coach, Suhas and his team at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share. They’ve also graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. I’d LOVE to have some company and a listening ear for the not so good days that I’m sure will eventually show up. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.

 

 

2017: The year of Losing, Living and Winning

You know that day when you wake up and you’re just done. That day when you look in the mirror, and stare yourself straight in the face and know that you have come to the end of yourself. That you have finally found a stopping place?

I don’t want to call it hitting rock bottom because that just sounds like a horrible place to be. And frankly, who wants to admit that rock bottom is where they’ve found themselves?

But today I’m admitting to all of you that I am that person. I am in that place, I am done, and I am at rock bottom.

My body is failing me, or maybe I should say that I’VE been seriously failing my body.

I’ve been overweight my entire life. I’ve been in pain for more years than I’d like to admit. I’m currently the fattest person in the world to actually suffer from malnutrition. I’ve bled – almost to death, I have chronic and almost debilitating sinus issues, I get headaches – a lot of headaches and I now enjoy panic attacks in reaction to my levels of pain & the ways my body is acting. I am physically a broken mess.

Where I’ve failed my body is that I have done basically nothing to try to make things better. I’ve just come to accept that this is where I’m at, and I just live with it. I’ve seen great doctors, specialists and all kinds of fabulous professionals. They’ve given me great advice, and have explained to me what’s going on in my body. They’ve given me pills and supplements and plans to follow. All have worked on some level, but will never really “fix” what’s wrong with me.

Reason being … it’s me. I have to change me.

I am a most excellent caregiver and can take great care of all those around me. I’m sensitive to others feelings and find ways to encourage and lift them up when they need it most. Helping others is what feeds my soul, it’s what makes me, me. Unfortunately, I get so caught up in putting everyone else first, that i completely forget about myself. I haven’t done it on purpose, I’ve literally forgotten & lost myself.

And if we’re being truly honest, I’ve got food issues. Not just the standard, binge eating and sugar seeking, which I’ve got but weird ones too. I hate cooking, so if I don’t have to cook for my family, I don’t do it, which means if I’m at home alone, I don’t eat. Unless it’s something like toast or cookies, because that’s not really cooking. If I go out, I’ll buy fast food, because well, I don’t have to cook it. Food prep is like cooking, and most healthy food needs some version of prepping, so again I choose not eating or I choose to eat garbage. If I go on a diet, I usually choose not eating because I can’t eat what I really want. It’s warped and messed up but I can very easily go 18-20 hours without eating anything, many days/week. I am basically, unintentionally starving myself, and that is what is keeping me fat. My body is screaming for healthy food, vegetables, protein, and eating on a regular basis and I just can’t seem to make myself get in the kitchen or even really care.

I am 100% without question, my own worst enemy.

But today, I am doing something about that. I’ve finally admitted AND accepted that I can’t do this on my own, so I’ve asked for help. Today is the day that I’m starting the Ideal Protein diet, and completely changing everything about myself. I have a great coach that is focused on helping me become the best version of myself, and not someone who is always sick and always in pain. For that, I’m thankful.

Funny thing is, I’m not doing this to lose weight per-say. That’s obviously a part of why I’m starting, but it’s more about me getting healthy. It’s about following a plan that will make me eat like a normal person, and not only toast at midnight. It will make me aware of the food that I’m putting into my mouth and will help me focus on nutrition as opposed to just eating when I’m almost starving. With the help of my coach and the team of people who love me, this plan will help me check back into my life and my choices. It’s all laid out and easy for me to follow, and I like that. For now, I need easy while I relearn how to eat, and how to put me first. I’m excited.

I will be the first person to admit that it’s kind of weird to be going on a ‘diet’ without the main focus being on weight loss, but that works for me. I’m a very happy fat person, and fat isn’t who I am. What I am no longer happy about is being broken. It’s time to make a change so I can get out of this fog of pain and uncomfortable-ness.

I’ve made a commitment to myself, my husband, my family and my coach that 2017 is the year that I will finally make a difference in my own life. That I will stop getting in my own way. That I will take the advice and the help that is offered to me. That I will choose me first, more often than not. That I will get out of my comfort zone and try new things. That I will stop being okay with not being okay.

This blog will serve as my accountability tool. It will be my way of checking in and reminding myself of all the good that will come out of this journey. It will be my place to be honest, and angry, and happy, and sad and all of those great things.

It will be my story, and hopefully a little bit of yours too.

So, what do I need from you as my people? Please understand that this next year is about me making good choices. I’m not going to eat your chips and your cake. I’m not going to “have just one”, and start again the next day. No Iced Capps. No Lattes. Please respect me, please help me, and please be okay with the decisions that I’m making for myself. Please be on my side and know that even writing this out has been incredibly hard to do as I know that I can no longer hide. This is it friends, this is the beginning of a grand adventure.

For the next 337 days, I will be losing, living, winning and sharing it all with you.

I can’t wait to see where this year takes us.

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The Road to Skinny … Or Not.

The beginning of a new year brings about the desire for change. It pushes us to think about what we want that is better than what we currently have. It seems to make our eyes focus on all that is wrong with us, and not necessarily all that’s right. It’s the time of year that people seem to think and/or hope will set off this huge firecracker under their butts and in their minds that will cause them to jump up and change. It’s a fresh start and a new beginning.

For me, the new year forces me to focus on my never-ending trek towards “skinny”.  It’s this thing that follows me everywhere I go. It’s the thing I cannot seem to conquer. It’s quite literally the very large elephant in the room that just won’t die, no matter how hard I try. Or maybe not.

If I were to be totally honest, I don’t think I’ve ever cared enough to really want to change it. I’ve got a couple of months worth of willpower, and about 47 seconds of desire. I’ve got all the knowledge in the world, and an incredible team of people willing to support and help me, but somehow I’m also good with where I’m at. I’ve got a massive desire to shop in any store, and not just the stupid chubby girl shops, but for some reason, I’m okay with not trying all that hard to change.

I’m Fat and Happy, and I don’t think this is how I’m supposed to feel.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be 6 sizes smaller. I’d like to be able to walk around the block without wanting to die. I like the idea of wearing shorts when it’s hot – no I NEVER wear shorts. I’d like to have more energy. I’d like my knees to not hurt. I’d love to sit outside in the summer and not want to die because I’m SO hot, which is a problem because as you know, I don’t wear shorts and fat people have a whole lotta extra insulation. I’d like to not have people give me the classic fat girl compliment, “You’ve got such a pretty face”, to me. Ever. Again. I’d like to be able to touch my toes, for no other reason to say that I can. I want to just take up less space.

So … where does that leave me? The Happy Fat Girl that want’s to be skinny, but doesn’t really care.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand how I truly feel about this subject, or if I’ll ever fully figure it out but I believe that it’s leading me somewhere. In some weirdo, round-a-bout backwards way, it’s taking me to what I really want and need. I want to be more focused. More centered and just more Me. I’m happy, but I want another level of happy. I want to be overflowing with Joy, so much so that it oozes from me and into the world around me. Skinny won’t accomplish that …. but I can.

2015 is going to be the Year of April. I’m going to write. I’m going to write about anything and everything and just write because I can. I’m going to spend time making my new blog fun and super successful. I’m going to move into a house that is exactly what our family needs. I’m going to fall back into mad love with my husband. I’m going to finally put all of my anxiety’s behind me, and step forward without worry about stupid things that I can not control. I’m going to focus on getting healthy and not care at all about skinny. Maybe a smaller size will follow, but whatever, I don’t care.

I’m excited about what’s to come and even more excited to figure out that my “Road to Skinny” is officially on a detour to somewhere totally different.

This road is officially leading to me.

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The Road to Skinny … Keep on Keeping On

One year has come and gone, and I’m half way to my goal. I hoped to be much farther along, but half way is what I achieved, and well, I’m okay with that.

This has been my year for self–discovery and I think if I would’ve lost more, faster, I wouldn’t have figured some things out. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to taking care of myself, and even though I always knew that, I don’t think I truly got it. Now I do.

By nature, I put others before myself. In all things, and in all ways. I don’t see that changing, but I now see that I have to find some time for me in there somewhere. I know that If I’m going to be of any use to anyone, I need to be okay. Physically, mentally, spiritually and health wise … I have to claim these things for myself and stop ignoring their importance. I’m such a twit sometimes.

I spend a tonne of time thinking about food, but very little time eating it. I had no idea how little I actually ate in a day, until I had to keep track of it. It’s such a weird thing to wrap my head around as here I was a fat girl basically living in a state of malnutrition. So crazy. Now, I struggle with the same thing but in a different way. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I can’t live on nachos and cupcakes, so I just kind of don’t really care about food. I still hate 94% of all veggies, so getting good healthy food into my body is fairly challenging some days.

I know what I need to do to be healthy, but my brain doesn’t always seem to want to agree. I know what I have to eat, the supplements I need to take, and the exercise that I must do but I still fight it. It’s so stupid, but everyday I have to MAKE myself choose better.

I’m lazy. Not when it comes to life, or business, or helping others, but when it comes to me. I have zero desire to exercise or get off the couch. Zero desire. It’s almost scary.

I’m ready to change things. I always thought I was, but looking back, I really wasn’t. I’m there now, and excited that this lifelong journey will be coming to an end. 40 years of being overweight, and not all that healthy are coming to an end. 2013 was the year I lost 70lbs, 2014 is going to be the year that “healthy” becomes my normal.

I’m officially back on Ideal Protein, and actually listening to my coaches. (I never quit the program, I just wasn’t following all the rules. As in wasn’t eating nearly enough, not taking my vitamins, etc., etc.). I still absolutely love the program and know that it’s the right thing for me, so I’m excited to continue on it.

I’m getting weighed in and measured every 2 weeks, and will report back here to all of you. Not just about pounds and inches, but how I’m feeling, how my brain is doing and the goals for the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, that little bit of accountability and effort will keep me focused on where I’m going. Thanks in advance for being a part of my “team”.

Now to stop being my own stumbling block, and to get this DONE.

Shut-up head, you’re no longer driving this bus.

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IF YOU WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS ADVENTURE, PLEASE CONTACT MY COACHES HERE. Be sure to let them know that April sent you.

The Road to Skinny …. It’s a Good Day

20 years ago, I married my best friend. I have not always liked him, and I can’t say that I’ve always fully understood him, but I’ve always loved him. In fact, I love him more today than I did on our wedding day, and for that I’m thankful. I am a very blessed woman to be able to say that I am married to this man. Happy Anniversary to us but now on to my story.

I haven’t been writing about my weight loss a whole lot lately, and not because I’ve quit or that I’m gaining or anything like that, but because I’ve stopped thinking about it. I’m no longer obsessing, freaking out, worrying or beating myself up. And it’s awesome. I can officially say that my weight no longer controls me. I’m still overweight, and have a long ways to go, but that’s okay.

I re-started this journey on January 1st of this year, and I’ve gone up and down, lost and gained but have now found a nice rhythm. My pace is slow and steady, but it is steady. If I have a bad day, or eat something I know I shouldn’t, it’s only a bad choice. It’s not a bad day, or a bad week, it’s just a bad choice. I’m actually now able to choose to start again immediately, and that’s a really cool thing. I’m eating with purpose instead of eating for something to do. I am finally free.

I’ve lost almost 4 sizes, 40 plus inches and as of this morning, 60 pounds. I meant to celebrate at 50 pounds, but I forgot. So now, we’re having a 60 pound send-off celebration. It’s hard to imagine what 60 lbs looks like, as I still don’t really see a whole lot of change when I look at myself. But when I look at this, I get it. 60lbs That’s a whole lot of me that just isn’t attached any more and so I say ….. Good Riddance and Good-Bye. Good-bye to the old me. The old way of thinking. The old self-deprecating thoughts. The old critical and mean little voice that told me that I would never lose weight, so why bother trying. Good-bye to the Old April and Hello to the new one.

I may still be a fat girl, but I’m in control now and the Fat Ship is sailing away. People are going to have to find something new to tease me about and will need something new to call me. How about Super Wicked Awesome Girl? I’d be okay with that. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to be known as April.

What a novel idea.